1. Former showgirl and protected witness turned humanitarian, Sister Mary Clarence, is teaching her eccentric student, Ahmal, the gift of song.
2. A short montage later and we’re in the choir room. The group is practicing for a grand choir gig.
3. Will they be ready? Do they know the words? The choreography? Do they even trust this shady new nun?
4. She hopes so.
5. It’s the next day. The confidence is gone. The nerves. The angst. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lauryn Hill on the same stage. Like what?
6. “You’ll be fine,” she says. But will they?
7. The tension increases. Coughs from the crowd. So many hormones in one room. This could not end well.
8. The nuns are scared. They collectively quiver.
9. A man who can best be described as the “gross old douchey white dude” shuffles in his chair. He wants to close the school down. He wants them to fail.
10. Their leader is skeptic.
11. And so are the kids. The side eye is blinding.
12. Still, they go on. Whoopi Goldberg sings. It’s kind of funny.
13. Unlikely hero, Ahmal, begins his solo. He is so nervous.
14. It’s good, but definitely lacks the confidence of a professional teenage choir leader.
15. Like a good choir director, Whoopi motions Ahmal forward.
16. They speak.
17. They connect.
18. With a sudden burst of confidence, Ahmal moves forward.
19. Sister Mary Lazarus nervously smiles. Her teeth chatter because she’s old.
20. That asshole of a friar teacher dude doesn’t move. His friend dramatically moves his head.
21. Lauryn Hill unenthusiastically sings. She is doubtful of this shady nun.
22. Meanwhile, people are warming up. Some awkward white dude is clapping. That’s a good sign?
23. The chef dude is snapping. That’s probably not a good sign?
24. Then something happens. Lauryn Hill smiles. She claps. Hope.
25. Then, out of fucking nowhere, Ahmal sings an incredibly high note. “WHEN JESUS WAAAAAAAAAASHED MY SINS AWAY.” CHILLS.
26. Immediately after, the greatest moment in Whoopi Goldberg’s illustrious career happens. The great Sister Act 2 surprise turnaround.
27. THE NUNS GO WILD.
28. Even that asshole of teacher friar dude smiles.
29. And now it’s time to fucking party.
30. Whoopi loses it.
31. Sister Mary Patrick obviously does too.
32. And even that cold bitch, Mother Superior, cracks a smile. It’s magic. Pure cinematic magic.
33. It’s like a totally different choir from the one just minutes before! THE POWER OF SONG! THE POWER OF WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
34. YES. AMEN. ALL THE HALLELUJAHS.
35. The song ends. The crowd loses their shit. The nuns win. The kids win. We all win.