1. It’s just you, a glass of wine, some pumpkin-scented candles, and Theresa Caputo. Long Island Medium is on tonight.
2. You nervously pose with your box of tissues. You try to mentally prepare yourself for what you’re about to watch.
3. Honey Boo Boo ends. You are doing this. YOU ARE DOING THIS. The show begins.
4. As always, during the first 5 minutes your eyes are fixated on that head of hair.
6. Theresa meets some random person in some random place and without fail says something like this:
8. Theresa says something that makes no sense. You believe it. You fall deeper into the story of the reading.
9. IT’S HER HUSBAND. OH MY GOD IT’S HER HUSBAND. You begin to cry.
10. Things get increasingly sloppy. HE’S OKAY WITHOUT HER. IT’S THE NUMBER 23. OH MY GOD, HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!
11. You sit there, alone, and think: “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!”
13. You continue to cry. HE’S REINCARNATED IN A BUTTERFLY THAT’S BEEN WATCHING HER FOR 3 WEEKS. OH MY GOD.
15. WHY DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER YOU?!
16. The reading ends. That was really intense. You pat yourself on the back for making it through that one.
17. Theresa Caputo does something weird like ride a Segway. You laugh.
18. Then she surprises some woman in a salon. Always in a salon.
19. Theresa starts the reading. You stare at her nails. You think about what life would be like with nails like that.
22. Ugly tears. HE WATCHES OVER HER EVERY NIGHT AS SHE SLEEPS.
23. HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?! WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME?!
24. The show ends. FINALLY. Another 30 minutes of emotional torture completed.
Deputy Editorial Director, Devout Member of the Church of Godney