54 Things I Learned At The Biggest Gun Show In The World

I spent three days at the NRA Convention in Houston, Texas. Here's what I learned.

54. Zombie Obama shooting targets are so hot right now.

There were 3 targets that resembled the President at the convention. All of them were zombies.

53. A terrorist hunting permit costs $2 or you can get three for $5.

In case you need to buy one.

52. There is a Miniature Arms Society, and it is adorable.

I just love tiny things.

Sorry.

51. There is a company that makes AK-47 guitars.

In case you ever need one of them.

50. The NRA convention might as well be a beard convention.

There were tons of guys with seriously impressive beards.

49. It should also be called The Second Amendment convention.

For more obvious reasons, though.

48. You're not supposed to put your finger on the trigger when you take a picture with a gun.

Oops. My bad. When this photo was put on Twitter, a bunch of gun owners tweeted back saying you're not supposed to do that. I didn't know!

47. It's just Steve Austin nowadays.

No more Stone Cold ;(

46. If you've always wanted a hula girl holding a gun for your car...I've got news for you: It exists!

45. Gun owners have completely co-opted the "Keep Calm and Carry On" motto.

44. The NRA hates Piers Morgan.

Also the media in general. At the leadership conference, the media and President Obama were the No. 1 and No. 2 topics of discussion.

Rick Santorum also talked a lot about France.

43. Someone really needs to get Rick Santorum a Tide-To-Go pen.

He had a stain on his tie at the leadership conference. It was basically driving me crazy.

42. This is what a VW Bug van looks like with a giant gun coming out of the sunroof.

The most popular photo op at the convention.

41. Lots of people who own guns also have ponytails.

40. Also, this is the King of the Ponytails.

39. Hand sanitizer is the secret savior of the NRA convention.

There are 50,000 people touching the same guns all day. It's kind of a gross nightmare.

38. There are some seriously terrifying gun targets.

A booth at the convention had a bunch of posters of shooting targets.

Here are some more examples:

37. Pink guns, even though they have the same specs as the black ones, cost significantly more.

The pink gun costs $352 while the black one costs $199. They have exactly the same specs.

36. It costs $25,000 to hunt your own leopard.

I had no idea you could hunt a leopard to begin with. You can find more exotic animals you can hunt here: 16 exotic animals you probably didn’t know you could hunt.

35. Glenn Beck still draws huge crowds for autograph signings.

Glenn Beck had, by far, the biggest crowd for his autograph signing. The line was enormous.

Yeah, you might want to bring a chair.

This guy did.

34. At every conservative-ish event there is always, without fault, a token colonial.

Every. Single. Time. People love talking to them too. They're always talking to someone!

33. I need this T-shirt.

For obvious reasons.

32. This is what the face of a man who just sliced a huge pig in half with a giant knife looks like.

There was a station with giant swords and amazing videos of middle-aged men slicing things with them. I could watch it for hours.

31. iPhone Tasers seem like a pretty bad idea. They also cost $135 and charge your phone at the same time.

There was a safety that goes on top of it, but I'm sorry. If I had that thing in my pocket something bad would probably happen.

30. This Taser needs an upgrade.

While I appreciate the idea, who has one of these phones nowadays?!

29. Most of the people who attend the NRA convention are older.

I would say a quarter of attendees are older white men, hence the sign.

28. There is an entire company that exists solely based on this logo.

That's it.

27. If grandma's shooting a huge gun, you're going to stop and watch.

Like, you have to stop and watch.

26. Gun owners are really into T-shirts with sayings on them.

25. AK-47 shirts are especially popular.

24. Though the most popular clothing item is definitely the "collared Constitution American flag" T.

Makes sense... but this shirt really needs a redesign!

23. The weirdest part of being at the convention is when you turn a corner and someone is pointing a gun at you.

They're just trying it out...but still. You're like, WHOA THERE.

22. A couple that wears matching denim together...stays together.

21. The gun modeling industry is a thing. Multiple manufacturers had models signing posters for free all day.

20. The best way to get on the giant JumboTron during the NRA keynote speeches is to have a crazy/awesome beard.

19. Gun glamour shots are kind of amazing.

I mean, all glamour shots are.

18. The hospitality suite at the NRA convention is obviously called the "Ring of Freedom."

17. Glen Beck's autograph costs $10.

Plus you get a book!

16. This is what the kids merch looks like.

Shouldn't the crayons be guns?

15. Things are made out of ostrich leg.

I had never seen that until now.

14. This is probably the most popular shirt people were buying at the convention.

13. This Starbucks shirt was also quite popular.

12. This is what this guy looks like when he calls in sick.

11. Ted Nugent is basically the king of the NRA convention.

He had two booths solely dedicated to him. He also had an entire T-shirt merchandise booth.

10. Tom Selleck's mustache is a member of the NRA.

Also Karl Malone.

9. "One free shotgun at a time" is a company motto.

8. The handgun-purse industry is booming/also needs a makeover.

A makeover in the form of better designs.

7. This is also the best, most clever name for a gun-handbag company.

GET IT?!

6. Some gun owners are hippies.

This guy wore that shirt all three days of the convention. Typical.

5. P.I.G. = politically incorrect guns.

Politically incorrect guns are machine guns and similar bigger guns.

4. There is a company dedicated to making workout gear that can hold guns. They also have this awesome running man.

3. This is what you should wear to the NRA convention if you want to be incredibly popular.

2. There are a bunch of people who wear kilts.

1. And this is the leader of the Vice Squad.

THE END.