If you haven't heard, for the first time in history, humans have landed a spaceship ON A COMET. That comet is moving at 41,000 miles per hour. It is 317 million miles from Earth, between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter.
It's really fucking incredible! Kudos to you all!
1. But WE STILL haven't figured out how to make paper TEAR CORRECTLY.
2. I mean, this is how many planets we've discovered in 2014 ALONE:
3. But WE STILL can't stop a book from doing this:
4. Scientists have REVERSED THE AGING PROCESS IN MICE.
5. Yet ZIPPERS still do this:
6. There are machines that can SCOOP TREES OUT OF THE GROUND.
7. Yet WE STILL can't figure out WATER FOUNTAINS.
8. Monkeys can control robots WITH THEIR BRAINS.
9. Yet they STILL haven't figured out how to SHARPEN PENCILS correctly.
10. Scientists can literally bring a 32,000 year old flower BACK TO LIFE.
11. Yet the pizza roll people STILL can't figure out how to STOP THEM FROM EXPLODING.
12. I MEAN, COME ON. THERE ARE DRIVERLESS CARS.
13. YET WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE TOILET SEATS ARE STILL FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY.
14. SPACE ELEVATORS. SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON SPACE. ELEVATORS.
15. YET WHEN YOU POOP...
it's almost 2014 why has no one invented soundproof toilet bowls so no one can hear you pooping
16. Okay, I mean, there's an app, that's basically magic, that can accurately translate text using the camera.
17. Yet car mirrors STILL make no sense at all.
It's 2014, how do we not have the technology to make objects in the mirror exactly as close as they appear?
18. Scientists have discovered that mosquitoes have INVISIBILITY CLOAKS. INVISIBILITY CLOAKS! IT'S LIKE HARRY POTTER UP IN HERE!
19. Yet we still haven't figured out how to MAKE DOORS WORK.
Crazy how it's 2014, and nobody's invented a sliding closet door that works yet.
20. Wait. There are GARBAGE CANS that FOLLOW YOUR TRASH.
21. Yet we still can't UNSEND TEXT MESSAGES.
22. But that's nothing. There are advertisements that KNOW WHEN TRAINS GO BY.
23. Yet BINDERS STILL BUCKLE.
But, hey, look at the bright side:
