1.
You are not this woman.
2.
This is not your room.
3.
You will never have to learn this lesson the hard way.
spill milk all over your goddamn self.
7.
You will never know what it's like to get your head stuck in a clothes hanger.
8.
You do not eat up to 2 pounds of rock a day.
9.
Therefore you will never look like this:
10.
You didn't just fuck up a game of Jenga.
11.
You will never be a Kardashian.
12.
You will never read this book.
13.
You do not have a Korn tramp stamp.
15.
No one will ever force you to dress up in a stupid duck costume.
16.
Your first kiss wasn't broadcasted on national television.
17.
You will never be on Judge Judy for throwing a pinecone at someone.
18.
You will never see this many raccoons together at once.
19.
You will never protest a fish fry.
20.
You are not the random little brother left out of your older brothers' extremely successful boyband.
21.
You've never been photographed breaking a swing.
22.
You know Beyonce and Jay-Z are married, so this will never happen to you.
23.
You also know how to spell ambiance.
24.
You will never get Polio.
26.
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on:
27.
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on:
28.
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on:
29.
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on:
30.
You are not this old lady posing in THE OCEAN with her clothes on:
31.
This is also not you:
38.
Lastly, be grateful that someone didn't take an extremely unflattering picture of you sleeping and post it all over the internet.
