1. Long, long ago, in 2007, the world was #blessed when a woman by the name of Miss Tiffany Pollard came into our lives. She would go by the name of “New York.”
2. New York was a legendary icon. Until that time in history, mid-2007 to be exact, there had been no person as insightful and smart. She was, in a word, “enlightened.”
7. First of all, New York was always in the know.
8. Everywhere she went, she made an entrance.
10. If you crossed her, she would threaten and intimidate you.
12. Words were another weapon she used quite well.
16. People would try to talk behind her back, but New York would always find out.
17. Loud packs of idiot bitches never got the best of her.
18. And if your name was Pumkin, forget about it.
She told the #truth. “Get a fucking facelift,” she would say.
20. “Soldiers cry and dogs cry and I cry. We cry. We all fucking cry.”
“You fucking look like Luther Vandross.”
22. New York believed no one should ever feel shamed by the amount they drink.
23. In fact, she was an advocate for the stuff.
26. Unfortunately, this meant she often ended up in a “food coma.”
27. New York was also an advocate for dick.
29. She preferred thugs who drank a lot and wore baggy clothes.
30. She taught us that if you see a man that looks like a pinto bean — then tell him he looks like a pinto bean.
31. Another thing about New York was that she needed her beauty sleep.
32. If you were shit, she wanted you to feel like it.
33. And if your breath smelled like shit, she wanted you to know that too.
34. She was put here to teach us. We were dumb. She was our teacher.
35. Most importantly, she will be remembered for being fucking fabulous.
PS: New York is still alive. She has a new VH1 reality show coming out later this year (!!!!).