1. MISSING PERSONS ALERT: Ryan Gosling has not been photographed since July 2013. This is a problem for three major reasons.
1. He’s gorgeous.
2. Because a life without Ryan Gosling paparazzi images is no way to live. And…
3. MY AND EVERYONE ELSE’S GODDAMN SANITY.
2. Ryan Gosling’s last known whereabouts may hold clues about where he is and what happened to him.
3. Where are you, Ryan? Where are you?
4. May 2, 2013: Ryan Gosling holds a water bottle in Detroit. He is smiling. All seems well.
5. Later that day he has a white cord and black headphones around his neck. A confused woman stands next to him. Her hands on her hips. Something looks wrong.
6. May 3, 2013: Ryan Gosling bends over. There is a metal box. He is frowning. What is in the box?!
7. Ryan lifts the box. He moves it. It is pleasing to the eye.
8. Even later he is spotted with a dirty map. It could also be a manual. His face full of confusion. Still hot.
9. May 12, 2013: Ryan is spotted with another man. His hands around him. Love triangle?
10. Christina Hendricks is there. Hmm.
A MONTH PASSES. NO SIGHTINGS. DARKNESS. PURE DARKNESS.
12. June 21, 2013: Ryan Gosling picks up dog poop. How kind. What a kind, generous, and hot human being.
13. July 17, 2013: This is the LAST TIME Ryan Gosling is spotted in public with true photographic evidence.
14. Soak it in, people.
15. Let it marinate.
16. Take a bite.
17. July 27, 2013: Ryan Gosling is spotted in a line at Starbucks. No other information.
18. July 28, 2013: He’s at IHOP. He appears to be comfortable.
19. Aug. 25, 2013: Ryan pumps gas. Why does he need the gas? Where could he be going? So many questions.
20. Later that day, he is spotted RUNNING SHIRTLESS DOWN JENNINGS ROAD. WHY ARE THERE NO PICTURES?!?!?!?!
21. Sept. 2, 2013: He drives.
22. Sept. 6, 2013: Ryan is in Charleston, S.C.
23. The city literally sinks.
24. Sept. 23, 2013: The first visual image that we may have a possible Ryan. I believe this is in Houston, Texas. The only thing: Would Ryan wear cargo shorts? Probably not. Still, this man is hot. A mini victory.
25. Oct. 14, 2013: Ryan Gosling is in London. He goes to a museum because he is cultured.
26. Oct. 24, 2013: Ryan is spotted riding a bike. A woman faints.
27. Oct. 28, 2013: Ryan stops by Disneyland. Disappears again. WHERE ARE YOU, RYAN? WHY ARE YOU THERE? PICS PLEASE.
WHERE WILL HE TURN UP NEXT? WHEN WILL THE PAIN STOP?