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For Everyone Who Has Had Their Own Personal "Come To Jesus" Moment With One Direction

I have finally seen the light. posted on

Background: I am a 26-year-old gay man. I live in New York City and work at this website called BuzzFeed. I wasn’t a very religious person until something that can only be described as a “divine gay intervention” happened. I am now in the know and am blessed.

This is my journey. This is my story. I write this in hopes of inspiring other One Direction fans to come out of the closet.

Liberate yourself.

2. The first time I saw One Direction, they were basically a group of puffy nippled pre-pubescent British tweens. Ew, I know. But it’s true.

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3. I didn’t get the hype. They were basic. I am also not a pedophile. I don’t like tweens. I do not like puffy nipples.

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4. I personally felt their FHP* was low and also who knows what would happen to them? Puberty can be such a horrible bitch.

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*Future hot potential.

5. I was, as they say, “dark-sided.”

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6. But then it happened, that big gay divine intervention I was talking about.

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7. Aug. 20, 2013, London, England. The day is forever carved into my brain.

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8. The actual moment of what I call “my awakening” was when Zayn flicked his tongue.

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9. My head was finally clear.

10. I knew I would have to marry Zayn.

11. Harry would be my mistress.

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12. And Liam would be my backdoor bitch.

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I’d also be totally DTF with the other two. They can be our nannies. We’ll make it work.

14. My spiritual capacity would only grow from there. A few days later they were in New York. I fully gave myself up to them.

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15. I also experienced my first internal struggle. Harry or Zayn? Religion is so hard.

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16. It was decided that Harry was for me on Sept. 21. In a candid photo he was spotted with both a pizza AND coconut water. I love pizza. I love coconut water. I was sold. We’d be perfect together.

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17. BUT, that wasn’t it! In a complete twist of fate, my former backdoor bitch, Liam Payne, became my full-fledged boo.

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18. I was changed.

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19. And nothing was ever the same again.

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Thank you, Jesus. Good-bye and good night.

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