Background: I am a 26-year-old gay man. I live in New York City and work at this website called BuzzFeed. I wasn’t a very religious person until something that can only be described as a “divine gay intervention” happened. I am now in the know and am blessed.
This is my journey. This is my story. I write this in hopes of inspiring other One Direction fans to come out of the closet.
2. The first time I saw One Direction, they were basically a group of puffy nippled pre-pubescent British tweens. Ew, I know. But it’s true.
3. I didn’t get the hype. They were basic. I am also not a pedophile. I don’t like tweens. I do not like puffy nipples.
4. I personally felt their FHP* was low and also who knows what would happen to them? Puberty can be such a horrible bitch.
*Future hot potential.
5. I was, as they say, “dark-sided.”
6. But then it happened, that big gay divine intervention I was talking about.
7. Aug. 20, 2013, London, England. The day is forever carved into my brain.
8. The actual moment of what I call “my awakening” was when Zayn flicked his tongue.
9. My head was finally clear.
10. I knew I would have to marry Zayn.
11. Harry would be my mistress.
12. And Liam would be my backdoor bitch.
I’d also be totally DTF with the other two. They can be our nannies. We’ll make it work.
14. My spiritual capacity would only grow from there. A few days later they were in New York. I fully gave myself up to them.
15. I also experienced my first internal struggle. Harry or Zayn? Religion is so hard.
16. It was decided that Harry was for me on Sept. 21. In a candid photo he was spotted with both a pizza AND coconut water. I love pizza. I love coconut water. I was sold. We’d be perfect together.
17. BUT, that wasn’t it! In a complete twist of fate, my former backdoor bitch, Liam Payne, became my full-fledged boo.
18. I was changed.
19. And nothing was ever the same again.
Thank you, Jesus. Good-bye and good night.