72 Things That Are Definitely Better Than Oprah's 72 Favorite Things

Oprah released her list of 72 of her favorite things from 2014. This is our list. It's better.

If you didn't already know, Oprah still releases a list of her most absolute favorite things. As usual, it's mostly overpriced shit you can never afford. So, here's an alternative of real useful shit.

1. A Danny Devito stamp: $25

2. A little chair for a squirrel: $11.95

3. A Nicolas Cage pillowcase: $10.95

Via amazon.com

4. Three mini key chain–sized bottles of Sriracha: $15

5. A personalized video of a guy riding a bull and dancing to "Gangnam Style": $5

6. A personalized video of this guy rubbing ketchup and mustard on his fat belly and singing "Happy Birthday" in his underwear: $5

7. A grappling hook: $17.58

8. An itty-bitty sad Keanu: $24.95

9. A blowgun with darts: $13.95

10. A portable Altoids speaker: $30

11. A paper towel holder with four USB ports: $49.95

12. A video of a Brit fellow singing "Happy Birthday" to you in a thong: $5

13. Tissues that look like $100 bills: $4.50

14. A tie with a hidden flask: $24.99

15. Salt made from human tears: ~$52

16. An Oreo dipping spoon: $3.99

17. A Nintendo controller charging station: $32

18. A pillow shaped like an arm: $28.85

19. A shotgun that shoots salt water at flies, killing them instantly: $39.95

20. A big ol' digeridoo: $29.99

21. A goatee-shaving guide: $19.99

22. Handles that let you carry all of your groceries in at once: $9.99

23. A Ben & Jerry's pint lock: $24.99

24. A shit list: $9.99

25. This fine art photograph of a Chihuahua on a chair wrapped in a blanket: $20

26. A shot spinner: $8.65

27. A bowl with feet: $28

28. A self-stirring mug: $4.95

29. A pizza cone maker: $21.99

30. A Saint Ryan Gosling prayer candle: $9.99

31. A video of a rapping puppet that will deliver any message to you: $5

32. Pencils that say "Even artichokes have hearts": $4.00

33. Authentic Roswell UFO Crash Site Soil: $12.95

amazon.com

34. Swedish Fish soap: $6

35. A tiny crown pin: $10

36. A bag of dicks: $17

37. This Lego clock: $32.55

38. Teeth for your dog: $14.99

39. A message from hell: $5

40. A sloth climbing the Empire State Building shower curtain: $39.99

41. The “Pouring Made E-Z” pan attachment: $5.50

42. A speech from a person who will sexily motivate and threaten you with weapons: $5

43. A thing that turns your bathtub into a waterfall: $12.75

44. A video of a guy who will say anything you want while ironing in an HD video: $5

45. A rainbow night-light for your room: $47

46. A pouring guide: $54

47. A campfire panini maker: $25.99

48. A remote control snack holder: $54.99

49. Little dots that help you find things with your iPhone: $52.99

50. Edible gold spray paint: $12.99

51. Lazy glasses: $15

52. Lego men ice tray: $11.79

53. A fondue mug: $15

54. A fork that vibrates when you overeat: ~$50

55. A smartphone projector: $27

56. A person who will cast a spell for you: $5

57. A person who will be your girlfriend on Facebook for one week: $5

58. A guy who will do your math homework: $5

59. A person who will write your wedding vows for you: $5

60. The Veggetti (it turns any vegetable into spaghetti): $14.95

61. A remote control TV wand: $89.98

62. A horse-head squirrel feeder: $15

63. A pillow with a built-in speaker: $28.49

64. A shark with a frickin' laser beam: $20.59

65. Peanut butter maker: $79.18

66. An emotional Drake necklace: $10

67. Scented duct tape: $7.40

68. A leaning bookend: $12.82

69. A money-eating face bank: $14.95

70. A zamboni desk vacuum: $14.94

71. A hamper shaped like a laundry machine: $27.99

72. A Britney Spears throw pillow: $17.84