1. Ordained by the blessed womb and Holy Spearit that is Lynne Spears' vagina, Britney Jean Spears was basically immaculately concepted because she's Godney, bitch.
2. Her career really started taking off 84 years ago when she did a video called "Baby One More Time"...
3. ... 50 years later she would do a video called "Everytime"...
4. ... and through it all, she hasn't aged a bit!
5. Over the course of her continuous reign, Britney has become the face of feminism...
6. ... a philanthropist of the arts & farts...
7. ... and an interplanetary explorer of planets like Mars.
8. She even helped name this Jeep! Her impact.
9. Economically, Starbucks used to be an unsuccessful company on the brink of bankruptcy. Thankfully, Britney Spears started drinking frappuccinos on the daily thus stimulating a massive boom in sales saving the company once and for all!
10. Linguistically, in its early days, the word "bitch" was used to demean women. Britney Spears has since taken "bitch" back, making it a "term of endearment."
11. Even the Pope has been forced to recognize her remarkable influence on society!
12. Besides all of that, Britney Spears has re-popularized the British accent...
13. ... pioneered the air clap...
14. ... battled Somali pirates...
15. ... led a very personal crusade against global warming...
16. ... developed the ability shoot lasers out of her vagina...
17. ... and is credited for inventing the term "very cool."
She also saved the world.
18. Here are some pictures of what the world was like on Sept. 13, 2013.
19. As you can see, it was quite awful.
20. Like, really bad.
21. But that all changed on Sept. 14 with the release of "Work Bitch."
22. Unemployment dropped...
23. ... obesity was solved...
24. ... and turmoil, poverty, and homelessness in general all went away. Thank you, Godney Jean indeed.
25. And though there have been bumps along the way.
26. Like that time she tried to kill a dolphin.
27. Or that time she promoted the sexualization of horses.
28. Oh, and also that time she was busted hoarding fast food under her bed.
29. STILL, she's stayed true to her disciples (her dancers)...
30. ... as she continues to pity and bless us mere mortals with her very personal holy water (Starbucks.)
31. So, go ahead now, spread the Good Word! Teach the children!
32. Say your prayers tonight.
33. May the Holy Spearit be forever with you always.
