You may not realize this, but there is one man who influenced your life more than any parent, teacher, local bartender, or deity. He taught you the fundamentals of baseball, but more importantly he showed you how to be a man. His name was — and most still likely is — Tom Emanski.
1. Coach Emanski taught you how to dress like a baller in a polo, pleated khakis and shades.
2. He prepared you for invasive TSA checkpoints.
3. And demonstrated the original intended use of a tennis racket.
4. He showed you how to tell a friend he's had too much to drink — respectfully.
5. And to be realistic about condom selection.
6. He prepared you for the SAT analogy section by comparing Little League baseball to being a Top Gun pilot.
7. Coach Emanski made throwing a ball at a fence from 10 feet away look cool again.
8. And showed you how to feign interest in company meetings.
9. He taught you the art of LOOKING like you know what you're doing...
10. By simply paying attention and accentuating your every movement.
11. He showed you how to look like a motherfucking badass in slow motion...
12. And the importance of getting to the bar in time for happy hour.
13. He taught you how to procrastinate...
14. And how to run away from your problems with swagger.
15. He showed you how to avoid an awkward conversation with an ex-girlfriend.
16. And of course he instilled in you the importance of recycling.
17. Take it from the Crime Dog himself. Coach Emanski taught him everything he knows.