62 Thoughts We Had While Trying Out To Become U.S. Open Ballboys

We’ve got the teamwork to make the dream work.

Matt Kiebus / BuzzFeed

1. I was born for this.
2. I wonder if we should start requesting for vacation days for the U.S. Open now?
3. I’ve played baseball for years. I’m pretty sure I can do this.
4. I wonder if they’ll be so impressed with my skills that they’ll go, “Whoa! Did you play baseball growing up?” And I’ll just be like “Yeah” but really casually like it’s not a big deal.
5. Was I supposed to wear all white clothing to this?
6. How old are ballboys? Is there an age-limit?
7. I really have no issues taking down a 10 year old.
8. 10-year-olds are WAYY too cocky nowadays anyway.
9. Is there a reason we call them “ballboys” and not “ballmen”
10. I am going to be the first ballman.
11. No, that sounds stupid. “Professional Ball Boy”. Yeah, that sounds cooler.
12. I wonder if you can make a career out of this?
13. Oh my God, if I get beat by a 10 year old, I’m going to flip out.
14. Hah! As if that would happen.
15. I hope they have targets so I can show off my amazing aim.
16. And my Favre-esque arm-strength.
17. It’s a good thing I ran two months ago. Need to be conditioned to be a ballboy.
18. Do ballboys get Gatorade during the tennis match?
19. What about some ice cold Budweiser?
20. What happens if I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of a Federer/Nadal match?
21. I bet me and Novak are totally gonna be boys after this.
22. Do I need to know anything about the scoring in tennis to participate?
23. Can ballboys call “timeout”?
24. Tennis has timeouts, right? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve definitely seen a tennis timeout before.
25. Is this a viable career opportunity? Like being a caddy?
26. I could use a yacht… or, like, $20 bucks.
27. My mustache is going to look amazing on national television.
28. Tom Selleck will sit courtside and pull me aside and say, “son, you remind me of a young me.” And then I’ll say, “not right now Tom Selleck, I have a job to do.”
29. Wait, is summering in the Hamptons a prerequisite?
30. Look at these suckers — they aren’t even really stretching.
31. I’m 99% sure I could beat anyone here in a race and 27% of them in a push up contest.
32. Am I the only one taking this super seriously?
33. OK, so they hit it against the net and we go get it and we chase a few rolling balls. How are people failing at this?
34. I’ve been watching my Labrador do this for years this should be a cake walk.

3. Too easy…

Matt Kiebus / BuzzFeed

4. Flawless…

Matt Kiebus / BuzzFeed

5. Perfection…

Matt Kiebus / BuzzFeed

35. Welp, totally threw my arm out.
36. I’m gonna need to ice my arm like Chet Steadman in Rookie of the Year.
37. I am way more out of breath than I thought I would be.
38. Ugh, I’m gonna feel this tomorrow.
39. I might need to take the rest of the day off.
40. There’s a lot of sweat going on over here.
41. Are ballboys allowed to wear headbands?
42. No, I think it’s a hat. All ballboys wear hats. Tennis is old school classy like that.
43. Man, I knew they’d be impressed by my throwing skills.
44. I wonder if everyone in the stands saw my throws.
45. I hope they were recording all of that.
46. My performance could have been a instructional video.
47. Picking a ball up with two hands while running is surprisingly difficult.
48. Still didn’t drop any, though.
49. Suck it, old man from Eyewitness News!
50. Naw, he was really cool.
51. I wonder if he’d play for our softball team?
52. Jesus Christ, am I still sweating?
53. I bet they wrote down “exceptionally graceful” on my performance review.
54. I don’t understand how more ballboys don’t trip.
55. I’m going to watch the ballboys next time I watch tennis.
56. Why do they hand the ball to the other ballboy behind their back? That was so hard.
57. Also, what’s with the bounce-throws? You know I can get it to that dude on the fly. Just let me do my thing.
58. I wonder how I did…

BALLPERSON TRYOUT JUDGE: “We liked your speed and agility at the net. You could be a swing.”

59. Ohhhh hellls yeah!
60. I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!
61. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, I’M COOL, AND FUCK YOU, I’M OUT!
62. Wait. What’s a swing?

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