53 Thoughts I Had While Hitting Against Mariano Rivera

Yeah, I can’t believe it happened either.

Usually when something seems too good to be true it’s because it really is too good to be true. So when someone offers you the chance to hit batting practice off Mariano Rivera — one of the greatest pitchers in the history of baseball — the instinct is to ask “what’s the catch?” New Era put together truly once-in-a-lifetime event to coincide with the Subway Series and promote their new lightweight Diamond Era cap that players wear during spring training games and regular season batting practice. Luckily for me I snagged an invite — and there was no catch.

DISCLAIMER: I’m an unabashed and incredibly miserable New York Mets fan.

1. My Yankee fan friends are going to be sooo jealous.
2. Two waivers for batting practice seems a little excessive.
3. Should I trash talk?
4. How exactly do you trash talk the best closer of all time?
5. I totally should have worn a Luis Gonzalez jersey tho!
6. Never mind, hard objects thrown at 94 mph probably hurt.
7. I should have peed before this.
8. I hope he can’t read my mind.
9. Holy shit, that’s actually Mariano Rivera.
10. WOW, HIS SMILE IS PERFECT.
11. I’m gonna wipe that grin off his face for Mets fans everywhere.
12. Liners to the gap all day.
13. Okay, wow, this bat is kinda heavy.
14. Damn, I need to hit the gym.
15. I definitely should have gone to a batting cage before this.
16. He’s not throwing that hard.
17. I wish I didn’t wear jeans.
18. Man, he’s pretty chatty.
19. Remember, swing nice and easy…
20. Fuck. How’d he know I’m not a high-ball hitter?
21. Stay back… stay back…
22. There’s no shame in choking up in batting practice if it’s against a Hall of Famer, right?
23. How do I get my leg to stop shaking?
24. Yeah, I know I’m dipping MARIANO RIVERA.
25. Wait, did I just get hitting tips from an AL reliever during batting practice?
26. Oh man, I don’t want to show anyone this video.

27. I wonder if he lives here.
28. I bet he can smell my fear.
29. Jesus, I am sweating PROFUSELY.
30. That sucker was moving.
31. Ugh, I wish we just played catch instead…
32. Or played wiffleball…
33. Or went fishing…
34. Or stayed home and simply cried alone in my room.
35. RELAX. BREATHE.
36. I’d totally be hitting better if we were outside.
37. I wonder if he’s the type of guy that doesn’t laugh at farts?
38. There’s definitely a hole in my bat.
39. Keith Hernandez would be so disappointed in me.
40. Should I fake a hamstring injury?
41. I really need to stop getting excited about hitting weak foul balls.
42. I wish I didn’t tell EVERYONE I know I’m doing this today.
43. He’s totally doctoring the ball.
44. Batting gloves would have helped.
45. Having a better sense hand-eye coordination would have helped too.
46. I could really go for a drink.
47. Alright, I’m starting to figure this guy out.
48. Only two more pitches?!
49. JUST WHEN I’M HEATING UP!
50. This guy could totally still pitch, and the Mets could use a closer.
51. I wonder what he thinks of my mustache.
52. I’m gonna crush this last pitch.
53. Yep, crushed it.

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