1. Is Bravo the only channel we have on this TV?
2. I bet a cable subscription that solely includes Bravo would be really popular.
3. Please be Top Chef. Please be Top Chef. Please be Top Chef.
4. Look, its middle-aged women yelling at each other AGAIN.
5. I wonder if I concentrate hard enough I can make the channel change like Harry Potter.
6. All right, where’s the wine?
7. I do like Andy Cohen though, he’s a cool dude.
8. Hell must be a place where Real Housewives plays on loop.
9. Is everyone blonde?
10. What’s wrong with EVERYONE’S lips?
11. If I hear another millionaire complain about how difficult their life is I’ll put my foot through this television.
13. STOP SAYING YOU HATE FAKE PEOPLE. YOU’RE CONTRADICTING YOUR WHOLE LIFESTYLE.
14. Honestly, what do these people do all day other than drink white wine, shop, and stir up shit?
15. Why does everyone’s wedding need to be televised?
16. I guess champagne grows on trees in Bravo-land.
17. We don’t have “countesses” in the United States. Why does no one call her out on that?
18. Why do millionaires need a matchmaker?
19. All right, I guess I’ll have another glass of wine.
20. Wait, that’s Scottie Pippen’s wife?
21. Why does no one go to the beach? I mean, it’s right there.
22. What’s this Vanderpump Rules show?
23. And how much do these people make working at a restaurant?
24. AND WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT HAS A CALENDAR OTHER THAN HOOTERS?!
26. Does ANYONE value friendship on reality TV?
27. More wine? Don’t mind if I do.
28. Does anyone have a job on these shows?
29. Theresa scares me.
30. I wonder what show sent more people to jail: Real Housewives of New Jersey or The Sopranos?
31. I crack myself up.
32. Reality shows have been going to Cabo since Laguna Beach, huh?
33. Now THAT was a reality show.
34. I could totally be a real estate agent. All I need is confidence and a nice suit.
35. HOW MUCH WAS THAT COMMISSION?! FUCK YOU.
36. Flipping houses seems stressful.
37. I really dig that island kitchen though.
38. Wait, didn’t they have a dinner party in the last episode?
39. Ohhhh so THAT’S Rachel Zoe.
40. Why would you have so much clothing if you never wear it?
41. These people really like talking with their hands.
42. I feel so bad for these people’s kids.
43. I wonder if Bravo pays for therapy.
44. Listening to middle-aged moms talk about their sex lives makes me uncomfortable.
45. DOES ANYONE ON ANY OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES SHOWS WEAR NORMAL CLOTHES?!
46. Hmm, Watch What Happens Live is funny without laughing AT someone.
47. Wait, Bravo airs Inside the Actors Studio?
48. Seriously, Inside The Actors Studio isn’t on PBS?
49. And where are they hiding James Lipton!!!
50. There’s really nothing “charming” about Souther… OMG IS THAT CAMERON FROM REAL WORLD SAN DIEGO?!?!?!
51. This Ravenal guy sure likes repeating his last name.
52. Um, having a kid with a 22-year-old who slept with your two friends DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT MOVE, BRO.
53. I gotta pee, but this dinner party is getting interesting…
54. So Bravo either makes shows about rich people with a sexy job OR about people with no jobs and a lot of money. Got it.
55. These millionaires are such dogs… You tell ‘em Patti.
56. And the penis DOES do the picking!
57. Does every dude wax their chest?
58. Clubs are terrible places.
59. Bottle service is stupid.
60. Nothing good ever happens at the club.
61. What’s that blonde’s name again?
62. All the Houswives names sound like Disney villains.
63. STOP DANCING YOU’RE EMBARRASSING YOUR CHILDREN.
64. STOP SINGING YOU’RE EMBARRASSING HUMANITY.
65. I wonder what aliens think of us watching this?
66. If I drank every time someone rolled their eyes I would have died 45 mins ago.
67. Why does everyone claim to be a “perfectionist?”
68. This is why I have to buy Skinny Girl margarita mix?
69. STOP SAYING THE WORD “SEXY.” JUST STOP. PLEASE DEAR GOD.
70. How many reunion shows are there?
71. Wait, I’m watching part six of the reunion show?
72. Is my wine glass magically refilling itself?
73. WHEN IS TOP CHEF ON!!!
74. Is this all a weird dream?
75. Why does that girl have a scepter?
76. Oh no she didn’t.
77. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.
78. Oh no. When did I start caring so much?
79. Andy’s probably the only sane person I’ve seen in the last three hours.
80. HOLY SHIT I’VE BEEN WATCHING BRAVO FOR THREE HOURS?!
81. [finishes off last drops of a bag of wine]
82. Welp, might as well stick around for the Southern Charm reunion.