40. Sidney Dean and Billy Hoyle.
Movie or TV Show: White Man Can’t Jump.
Pros: They’re both incredibly good basketball players and if they put their personal differences and pride aside they’re going to help you win. They’re Venice Beach’s con artist kings. They’re always looking fresh to death.
Cons: THEY ARE CON ARTISTS AND DEGENERATE GAMBLERS. You can’t trust them — ever.
39. Steve Lattimer.
Movie or TV Show: The Program.
Pros: The dude is an absolute monster. He’s literally the largest and scariest man to ever grace a fictional football field.
Cons: He is so large and scary because he is completely ‘roided out. He won’t even be on the field when you need him because of drug suspensions.
37. Thornton Mellon.
Movie or TV Show: Back to School.
Pros: Incredibly wealthy. He has enough money to pay Kurt Vonnegut to write his English papers. He throws great parties and is the only known diver to complete the “Triple Lindy.”
Cons: Old. Wildcard. Commitment issues.
36. Nigel Gruff.
Movie or TV Show: The Replacements.
Pros: Known as “The Leg” for his ability to kick a soccer ball from one side of the field to the other. Clutch under pressure. Wiry.
Cons: Pick a vice. He’s a drinker, smoker and degenerate gambler. Gruff also owes money to the mob, which always makes point-shaving a possibility.
34. Air Bud.
Movie or TV Show: Air Bud.
Pros: Broke the infamous dog barrier in sports. Almost always the most athletic player on the team. Relatively unfazed by the spotlight. Loyal to his owner.
Cons: Brings a lot of baggage and unwanted media attention. Very full of himself. Rarely at practice due to his incredibly busy schedule. Spreads himself a little thin with his extracurricular activities.
Movie or TV Show: Little Giants.
Pros: Toughest kid in the neighborhood. Her uncle won the Heisman Trophy so football is in her blood. Field general. Plays with a chip on her shoulder.
Cons: Going through a bit of an identity crisis and doesn’t know if she wants to be a football player or a cheerleader.
31. Rod Tidwell.
Movie or TV Show: Jerry McGuire.
Pros: One of the toughest and most underrated receivers in the league. Leads the team in receptions. Basically a fictional Wes Welker. Great family man.
Cons: Terrible attitude at times (but has made strides recently). Inflated opinion of own worth.
27. Bill Murray.
Movie or TV Show: Space Jam.
Pros: Bill Fucking Murray.
Cons: He doesn’t play defense.
26. Steve Nebraska.
Movie or TV Show: The Scout.
Pros: Hits home runs at every at bat and throws well over 100 mph. His MLB debut was Game 1 of the World Series, where he threw a perfect game of 27 strikeouts without missing the strike zone once. He also hit two solo home runs.
Cons: Daddy issues. Lots of daddy issues.
25. Jamal Wallace.
Movie or TV Show: Finding Forrester.
Pros: Fierce competitor. Great slasher who can score in bunches. Enjoys reading and writing in his free time. Once his 50 straight free throws. Is the man now, dawg.
Cons: Missed two free throws on purpose to lose the city championship simply to give his English teacher the middle finger — clear problem with authority.
17. Everyone from Team Pup ‘N Suds.
Movie or TV Show: Brink.
Pros: Soul skaters. Genuine. Skate for the love of the sport. Not looking for a paycheck (except Brink who was just trying to support his family and then came to his senses).
Cons: Brink’s terrible understanding of his family’s finances.
15. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.
Movie or TV Show: The Sandlot.
Pros: Fastest kid in the neighborhood. Can place the baseball anywhere he wants on the field. Transformed a kid who has never played baseball before into a decent player in about a week.
Cons: Hallucinates about meeting Babe Ruth. Has a death wish as evidenced by trying to pickle the Beast. PF Flyers might be the source of all his power.
Movie or TV Show: Top Gun.
Pros: The ultimate wing man — literally. Wears a shirt in the beach volleyball scene to make sure Maverick gets all the ladies’ attention. He”ll always be there for you. (Okay, not ALWAYS.)
Cons: Malfunctioning ejection seats.
11. Dottie Hinson.
Movie or TV Show: A League Of Their Own.
Pros: Pretty and tough. The backbone of the Rockford Peaches and essentially the Babe Ruth of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League.
Cons: Cares about raising a family more than baseball. Not sure whether or not you can depend on her. Can’t take a hit.
10. Lou Collins.
Movie or TV Show: Little Big League.
Pros: Consistent sweet-swinging lefty. Gold glover at first base and the toughest out in the middle of the order. He’s a better Todd Helton. Just an all-around great dude.
Cons: His fiancé’s kid is his boss. Only has warning-track power.
7. Jake Taylor
Movie or TV Show: Major League.
Pros: Born leader. Former all-star. Will “cut your nuts off and shove them down your fucking throat” if you don’t give 110 percent.
Cons: Knees. Women. Alcohol.
4. Matt Saracen.
Movie or TV Show: Friday Night Lights.
Pros: Fan favorite. Big arm. What he lacks in size and talent he makes up for in grit and leadership ability. Has enough balls to date the coach’s daughter.
Cons: Lack of talent.
2. Tim Riggins.
Movie or TV Show: Friday Night Lights.
Pros: Intimidating. Toughest football player in Texas. Almost too loyal. Has zero regrets.
Cons: Drinks way too many “ice cold memories” for a high school sophomore. Might have a venereal disease. Sort of a flake. Had sex with his paraplegic best friend’s girlfriend.
1. Antoine Tyler.
Movie or TV Show: The 6th Man.
Pros: HE’S A FREAKING GHOST! He can do whatever he wants. He flies around the court making unreal passes and shots to help the WASHINGTON HUSKIES win a National Championship! I mean, how unbelievable is that?!
Cons: He died of a heart attack. He’s not alive. He’s a ghost.
Whoops: The original version of this post referenced Jason Street as Riggins’ quadriplegic best friend. Street is actually a paraplegic, as evidenced by his ability to punch Riggins in the face for having sex with his girlfriend.
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