7 Reasons Peyton Manning Is A Football-Slinging Robot God

Never doubt the ageless wonder.

Last night, the Denver Broncos thrashed the reigning Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens 49-27 in the opening game of the NFL season. It was an incredible performance by the Broncos offense, which appeared unstoppable against a Raven defense that lost Ray Lewis and Ed Reed this off-season to retirement and free agency.

Doug Pensinger / Getty

But the real story last night was about a 6-foot-5, not-so-old man with a laser rocket arm by the name of Peyton Manning who tied an NFL record with SEVEN touchdown passes. Manning was 27-42 passing for 462 yards and SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS. I’m going to repeat that one more time — SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS! Not too shabby for a guy who’s supposedly nearing the twilight of his career. This can only mean one thing, either Manning is a once-in-a-generation quarterback and we’re all lucky to watch his career OR he’s a robot created by some sports-loving god. I’m sticking with the latter. My evidence:

1. This pass to some guy named Julius Thomas…

2. This other pass to the greatest tight end in NFL history, Julius Thomas…

3. This perfect toss to Andre Caldwell…

4. This fastball to Wes Welker…

5. This gift-wrapped TD to Wes Welker…

6. This perfectly thrown fade to Demaryius Thomas…

7. And of course this wide receiver screen to Thomas.

Do you hear that??

That’s the sound of Peyton Manning’s fantasy football owners collectively losing their shit.

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