1. He drinks Diet Coke by the two-liter!
2. He digs double entendre.
Probably knows a bunch of awesome puns too.
3. He’ll get you that first down even if it costs him a decade of memories.
ATTENTION YOUNG QUARTERBACKS: Don’t do this.
4. He ate the hearts of Cleveland Browns fans.
Sorry, Browns fans.
5. Baseball? Yeah, that was just too easy for him.
Elway was a second round draft pick of the New York Yankees in 1981 and earned $140,000 for signing. In a short season in Single A ball for the Oneonta Yankees he hit .318 with four home runs, 25 RBIs, 13 stolen bases and a .432 on-base-percentage in 42 games. But he was always a football player at heart.
6. He’s always the most intimidating person in the locker room.
7. Odds are you were born roughly nine months after your mom saw this picture.
8. He made Terry Bradshaw eat humble pie.
The former Steelers QB didn’t like Elway’s demand for a trade after he was drafted by the Colts with the No. 1 overall pick in 1983. Bradshaw said he should stick to baseball because he’d never win in the NFL.
9. His expertise in black magic somehow helped Tim Tebow win a playoff game.
Then he quickly destroyed the evidence by trading him to the New York Jets.
11. He tucks his polo in when he gets fake arrested in England.
We know it’s fake because no one would dare arrest John Elway.
12. He banged Cartman’s mom.
So did the rest of the Denver Broncos and half the state of Colorado.
15. Newspapers think he’s still setting touchdown records even though he retired 15 years ago.
After Peyton Manning threw for an NFL record seven touchdown passes in the Broncos’ season opener against the reigning Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens, the Columbus Dispatch ran this headline the next day.
16. He turned down the role of Maverick in Top Gun.
*This is unconfirmed, but judging by this photo he must have been the number one casting choice. John Elway is always number one.
17. He’s a culinary virtuoso, as evidenced by this brownie recipe and his very official-looking chef’s jacket.
Elway also owns four steakhouses named — you guessed it — Elway’s.
19. Does he know how to herd cattle? What do you think?
20. He teaches sumo wrestlers how to play football and sumo wrestle.
22. He always remembers to put Jon Bon Jovi in his place, because someone has to.
Yeah, of course John Elway appeared on the hit NBC show Las Vegas.
24. He was drafted by the Colts, but didn’t want to play for them so he forced a trade to another team with a horse mascot and then he won two Super Bowls.
25. Then 29 years later, he signed the greatest player in Colts franchise history to come play for Denver.
KARMA DOES NOT EFFECT JOHN ELWAY.
26. Hugh Hefner takes pictures of him.
27. He married a former cheerleader, because he’s John Elway.
“Good job buddy.” — John Elway.