1. Auburn will win the National Championship via divine intervention.
Is there any other explanation for what has been happening with the Auburn Tigers? Their success this season has been due to more than talent, great coaching and sheer luck — they’ve been the recipients of TWO miracles. You never bet against the team of destiny. The MVP of the BCS championship game will be God.
2. Brett Favre will lead the Buffalo Bills to the Super Bowl…and lose.
Speaking of miracles, the people of Western New York desperately need something good to happen to their beloved Buffalo Bills. This year E.J. Manuel suffered three separate knee injuries his rookie season and missed six starts. Want to know who doesn’t miss games due to injury? A certain Mississippi state championship-winning high school offensive coordinator by the name of Brett Lorenzo Favre.
But they’ll still lose in the end, because they’re the Bills.
3. LeBron will give baseball a shot after the Heat 3-peat because he secretly loves being compared to Michael Jordan by sports pundits.
I mean, he looks good in a Yankees cap.
4. Kate Upton will NOT grace the cover of the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition.
Kate will still appear on the cover of the MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL and March Madness previews for the newly renamed Kate Upton Uptonstrated.
5. Popcorn Man will resurface, then run for president.
…and he’ll win, too, because he’s the fucking Popcorn Man!
6. Alex Rodriguez will be found guilty…of being awesome.
AM I RIGHT?!?!
7. Mark Sanchez will make football history…as the first player to be sent to jail solely because of his haircut.
I mean, I’m not crazy enough to think he’s actually going to do anything meaningful on a football field.
8. The USA hockey team will be replaced by the cast of Mighty Ducks 2 after an early Olympic loss.
They will continue to lose, though, because all those people are actors, not hockey players. There will be a silver lining, though — Gordon Bombay’s hair will look flawless.
9. There will be a flubber-related scandal on the high school level.
I predict this every year because it’s only a matter of time before some crackpot professor creates some green substance with unfathomable power.
10. Jason Dufner will fall out of love with Copenhagen Wintergreen long-cut tobacco.
When the PGA labels it a performance-enhancing drug because it “just makes him too much of a badass.”
11. Kyle Chandler will be named the next head coach of the Texas Longhorns.
You will be hard pressed to find a coach that can inspire a team better than Eric Taylor. I don’t care that Kyle Chandler is an actor and never coached a minute of real football in his life. You can’t tell me that if you don’t put a smart staff around him, the “Kingmaker” can’t lead the Longhorns back to the promised land!
12. Derek Jeter will get married…to Derek Jeter.
13. We’ll miss Tim McCarver.
Hating the dynamic duo of McCarver and Buck is as important to our national pastime as the game itself. You’ll miss him talking about “Jose” Pujols and calling foul balls home runs. You’ll miss instinctively pressing the mute button when Timmy goes on confused rants. But don’t worry too much, we still have Joe Buck.
14. Isiah Thomas will return to wreak havoc on New York City.
Because this is the only way it could get worse for Knicks fans and we all know it will get worse.
15. Bartolo Colon will win the NL Cy Young AND the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
There is no conceivable way Bartolo Colon should still be an effective MLB pitcher. He is old (40 years old), fat (265 lbs.) and short (5-foot-11), yet somehow he won 18 games last season, posted a minuscule 2.65 ERA and finished sixth in AL Cy Young voting. So of course the Mets gave him $20 million for two years — that can buy a lot of hot dogs.
16. The Puppy Bowl will cease being cute after the release of stunning concussion research.
The ground-breaking documentary Kennel of Denial will be harder to watch than Marley and Me.
17. Marshall Henderson will win a sportsmanship award.
College basketball’s resident bad boy will quit running his mouth, stop drinking Coors Lights, stop antagonizing other school’s fans and start passing to his teammates. Okay — everything but that last part.
18. We will find out Space Jam was a documentary from a parallel universe.
It was all real…too real.
19. The NHL will replace the Stanley Cup with the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl Trophy.
Because nothing says class like a trophy that looks like it should be a decoration at a T.G.I. Friday’s.
20. And the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.
Kidding! That’s just ridiculous.