The 25 Stages Of Every Soul-Sucking Fantasy Football Season

Welcome to internet hell.

1. It starts when your inbox’s spam filter fails to handle the volume of league invitations.

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2. Peer pressure and severe F.O.M.O. lead you to joining a league.

*Fear of missing out.

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3. What’s that? It’s a $500 fee and I can’t back out? Sure thing, pal!

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4. So you do weeks of research…

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5. Which consists solely of creating a stupid, yet topical, team name.

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6. Next thing you know — you’re here…for seven hours.

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7. And of course you’re completely unprepared.

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8. You’ll inevitably lose your internet connection…

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9. And the auto-draft function will choose one of these guaranteed disasters for you.

Sam Greenwood / Getty

Andy Lyons / Getty


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10. But somehow you’re cautiously optimistic about your roster.

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11. I mean, this could be YOUR year!

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12. Until your running back tears his ACL in Week 3 of the preseason.

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13. No matter where you go you can’t escape it…

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14. At work…

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15. And at the bar, where people checking their live stats now outnumber fans.

Al Behrman / AP
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16. (This guy is shaking his head about C.J. Spiller’s red zone carries — NOT the Raiders game.)

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17. Even basic cable isn’t safe from fantasy jabber.

Okay, The League is actually really funny.

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18. Pretty soon ESPN’s Matthew Berry is in every one of your dreams.

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19. Your “friends” abandon you.

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20. And you’re drinking Everclear because of missed field goals in a Browns-Chiefs game!

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21. But you’re winning the league, so you don’t care…

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22. The glory and money are basically in your grasp…

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23. Until the Dolphins inexplicably hand off to their fullback in a goal line situation and knock you out of the playoffs.

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24. And you swear off fantasy sports forever…

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25. Or at least until next year.

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