The 25 Stages Of Every Soul-Sucking Fantasy Football Season

Welcome to internet hell. posted on

1. It starts when your inbox’s spam filter fails to handle the volume of league invitations.

2. Peer pressure and severe F.O.M.O. lead you to joining a league.

*Fear of missing out.

3. What’s that? It’s a $500 fee and I can’t back out? Sure thing, pal!

4. So you do weeks of research…

5. Which consists solely of creating a stupid, yet topical, team name.

6. Next thing you know — you’re here…for seven hours.

7. And of course you’re completely unprepared.

8. You’ll inevitably lose your internet connection…

9. And the auto-draft function will choose one of these guaranteed disasters for you.

Sam Greenwood / Getty

Andy Lyons / Getty

JESSICA RINALDI / Reuters

 

10. But somehow you’re cautiously optimistic about your roster.

11. I mean, this could be YOUR year!

12. Until your running back tears his ACL in Week 3 of the preseason.

13. No matter where you go you can’t escape it…

14. At work…

15. And at the bar, where people checking their live stats now outnumber fans.

Al Behrman / AP

16. (This guy is shaking his head about C.J. Spiller’s red zone carries — NOT the Raiders game.)

17. Even basic cable isn’t safe from fantasy jabber.

Okay, The League is actually really funny.

18. Pretty soon ESPN’s Matthew Berry is in every one of your dreams.

ESPN

19. Your “friends” abandon you.

20. And you’re drinking Everclear because of missed field goals in a Browns-Chiefs game!

21. But you’re winning the league, so you don’t care…

22. The glory and money are basically in your grasp…

23. Until the Dolphins inexplicably hand off to their fullback in a goal line situation and knock you out of the playoffs.

24. And you swear off fantasy sports forever…

25. Or at least until next year.

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