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A Definitive Ranking Of Boston Red Sox Facial Hair

Because beards are important.

25. Quintin Berry

Reuters

Being dead last on the most important list in sports is nothing to smile about, Quintin.

24. Koji Uehara

Getty

If you look really closely you can see a very faint outline of a possible mustache.

23. Jake Peavy

Getty

Well, this is just disappointing.

22. Junichi Tazawa

AP

Making a conscious choice to rock just chin hair is rarely a good decision.

21. Xander Bogaerts

Getty

Good job. Good effort.

20. Daniel Nava

AP

Scruff just says he has commitment issues.

19. Franklin Morales

AP

Classic chinstrap. Nothing to see here.

18. Felix Doubront

Reuters

More developed chinstrap, but still merely a chinstrap.

17. Jon Lester

Getty

Very meh.

16. Shane Victorino

Getty

The flyin’ Hawaiian, everyone.

15. Clay Buchholz

AP

Hide your laptops, middle schoolers. Hide your middle schoolers, parents.

14. Will Middlebrooks

AP

Good name. Strong facial hair.

13. Jacoby Ellsbury

AP

A burly man goatee from a speedy outfielder? I must be seeing things.

12. Stephen Drew

Getty

Well groomed. Good color. Goes high on the cheekbone. Classic.

11. Brandon Workman

AP

His name is Workman and he’s a relief pitcher with a beard.

10. David Ortiz

AP

Veteran.

9. Craig Breslow

Getty

Nothing to see here EXCEPT another fantastic relief pitcher beard.

8. Mike Carp

Getty

Ginger beard!

7. David Ross

AP

Old man beard!

6. Ryan Dempster

Getty

Ryan Dempster’s tombstone will read. “Thrower of baseball. Contestant on the ESPN game show Teammates. Owner of flawless beard.”

5. Jarrod Saltalamacchia

Getty

He would have been higher on this list, but I hate having to spell his name. Blame the Saltylamackyia family.

4. John Lackey

Getty

It’s no secret that Lackey’s return to form is due to that mean-ass beard.

3. Jonny Gomes

AP

You don’t want to encounter this beard in dark alley, or a florist for that matter.

2. Dustin Pedroia

AP

Little man. Big beard. Voted beard most likely to inspire a teenager to want a beard.

1. Mike Napoli

AP

“And on the 8th day God bestowed Mike Napoli with the facial hair. ” — Genesis: 2:4

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