1. Nick Saban.
Saban is a short, smug, miserable asshole — college football’s slightly more personable Bill Belichick. He complained that winning the National Championship cost him a week of recruiting. He quit on the Miami Dolphins. He’s also won three National Championships in the past six years, making him the undisputed best coach in college football. Nevertheless…he doesn’t rub our noses in his trophy case. He’s a tough son of a bitch, like a football coach is supposed to be.
2. A.J. McCarron.
He’s come a long way since Saban slapped him on the ass like a misbehaving puppy during the SEC championship his freshman season. The Crimson Tibe QB has never been asked to do too much, as the team frequently relies on their elite defense. Now A.J. is trying to lead his team to the first 3-peat of the BCS era. He’s frustrating because like every other Bama QB he’s little more than a game manager. But when you think about it, why should you HATE a game manager who doesn’t really do anything wrong?
3. A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend.
Katherine Webb was “discovered” by a drooling Brent Musburger in the stands during the BCS National Championship game — the rest is history. The model parlayed her 25 seconds of fame into an appearance in this years Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The Auburn graduate and bow tie-clad Bama quarterback met on Twitter.
4. The fact that they’ve had 29 players drafted into the NFL in the past four years.
This is simply unfair. How are you supposed to score when their backups become high draft picks? SInce Saban arrived in Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s defense has been so good that analysts frequently wonder if they could compete in the NFL. It’s an asinine argument, but it’s still amazing that they’ve had 29 players drafted in the last four years — 13 of them in the first round.
5. The houndstooth.
Dear Bear Bryant, thanks to your stupid hat, 100,000 people pack Bryant Denny Stadium wearing some form of your trademarked houndstooth pattern. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the pattern per se — houndstooth can be an important part of a devastating sartorial arsenal — but it’s hard NOT to hate the arrogance that comes with it.
6. Nick Saban doing this kind of crap.
The famous McCarron spanking happened occurred in the fourth quarter of a 30-10 blowout against Mississippi State. McCarron was a redshirt freshman at the time and the team’s backup. He forced a throw to Julio Jones that was intercepted and got a handful from the head coach. Some thought it was over the top; others found it a great teaching moment.
7. Big Al.
Seriously? A fucking elephant? Someone explain this to me. Actually, on second thought, please don’t.
8. Seriously, that goddamm punk A.J. McCarron.
Seriously, look at those tattoos!!! What the hell is he thinking? PLUS whatever is on his chest is in the shape of a elephant.
9. This is considered a highlight.
Alabama has one of the most boring and predictable offenses in the country. They’re going to run the ball and you aren’t going to be able to stop it. This is a 2- or 3-yard TD on which Eddie Lacy goes untouched in a 52-0 blowout victory of Arkansas. It’s an old-school, hard-hitting, grinding football team. Watch it for five minutes and try to stay awake.
10. This GIF.
Now, I’ll be the first to say it’s completely okay to get upset over sports, but have the dignity not to let the tears roll in your Saturday finest while your girlfriend is telling you to pull yourself together — on national TV.
11. Their fans.
Bama faithful are known for being an obsessive bunch who can sometimes border on psychotic (re: Harvey Updyke Jr. poisoning Auburn’s prized oak trees). Truthfully, Crimson Tide fans are extremely nice and hospitable — as long as you don’t say War Eagle within earshot. They’re hated for the same reason any other borderline dynasty is hated — they’re too obnoxious about winning and the sky is falling when they lose.
12. The SEC.
Ugh, raise your hand if you can’t stand the fucking SEC. The conference has the greatest superiority complex in all of sports. They’re intolerable. According to the fans, football might as well not exist outside their conference and that’s obviously bullshit. They do have the last SEVEN national titles, so I’ll shut up now.
13. Fucking Nick Saban.
The man doesn’t know how to feel happiness and it’s fucking annoying. “Oh, we won the National Championship again? La di freakin’ da.” Has there ever been a championship-winning coach that enjoyed Gatorade baths less than Nick Saban?
14. They just keep winning.
I can’t stand it. It’s intolerable. It’s not even fun anymore. Alabama is so talented and so well-coached that the BCS simply doesn’t feel the same without them. They’re the most dominant team of our generation, they’re on the brink of a dynasty, they don’t really even do anything that justifies hatred, and goddammit I hate them for it.