1. He has the perfect temperament for the position.
Boston is a tough city so you need someone who isn’t afraid to stand up for what the people believe in. Every once in a while you need to take a bat to the bullpen/city hall phone to show the people you mean business.
2. You can count on him when you need him.
You need a big hit? Who do you want at the plate? Big freakin’ Papi, that’s who! This guy is loyal and dependable. He always delivers when the team needs him. You can trust him.
3. Babies trust him.
Watch Ortiz adorably hold the tiniest Red Sox fan during the national anthem. Look at how content that baby is resting its little head on his shoulder. This is 80% of what politicians do, and he’s already better at it than 100% of them.
4. He can have civilized relations with New Yorkers.
This is important as a politician. You need to be able to have civil discussions with your enemies from time to time. Compromise is key.
5. But always reminds them who’s the boss.
2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. 2004 ALCS. (Repeat forever.)
6. He’s a fun guy.
Look at history’s greatest politicians, all of them are people you’d totally have a few beers with: Teddy Roosevelt, Bill Clinton, Leslie Knope and Abe Lincoln. Ortiz is made from that mold. He’ll carry you home if you’re stumbling, and then give you some Tylenol and a glass of water.
7. He’s good at just about everything.
Just look at his badminton skills! A renaissance man like this would make sure that the budget allows for arts and music in schools, while also feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless and hitting dingers for your favorite baseball team.
8. His community outreach programs are always a huge hit.
With Ortiz’s tutelage Boston would have an unlimited supply of left-handed sluggers like this little guy. He’d keep kids off the street and in the classrooms.
9. He likes dogs.
Never trust a man who doesn’t like dogs. They’re either not human or simply a Yankees fan.
10. He’ll fight for what’s right.
No government official is going to try and pull a fast one on the city of Boston while Big Papi is in charge. Not a chance in hell.
11. He’s compassionate.
Here’s a clip from ESPN’s My Wish segment of SportsCenter where the Make a Wish foundation teams up with ESPN to help extremely sick and sometimes terminally ill children meet their favorite athlete. The Ortiz’s larger-than-life persona makes this kid’s dream come true and helps him get through a trying time.
12. He absolutely loves Boston.
In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing the Red Sox and David Ortiz did their best to help the city heal. His short speech to the Fenway faithful was short, profane and to the point — just like the city he proudly represents.
Seriously, who wouldn’t vote for this guy?
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