11 Reasons Nick Saban Should Leave Alabama For Texas

Why would a man abandon his dynasty?

1. Austin.

Honestly, the argument could and should end right here. Austin is an exciting and vibrant city that like Tuscaloosa revolves around a university. However, unlike Tuscaloosa, Austin has a lot more to offer beyond said university, namely culture, history, and barbequed meat.

2. He gets bored.

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Okay, maybe bored is the wrong word, but Nick Saban certainly gets antsy. This is his seventh season as head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, which is already three years longer than any other tenure in his 41 year coaching career. Saban has been relatively impulsive when pursuing coaching jobs. Over the course of his career he has never hesitated to jump to new job. He’s straight up lied to fans (see: Dolphins, Miami), but he hasn’t hesitated to job to a new job. You know he’s gotta be getting antsy right now.

3. He’ll be able to help Texas finally secede.

Let’s be honest, Mack Brown could never lead a successful secession plan. He just doesn’t have that air about him that says, “hey, I’m gonna lead this beautifully shaped state in a civil war against 49 not-so-elegantly shaped states and make Texas its own country.” Nick Saban is pure confidence. I’m 99% sure he could lead the Houston Astros to a NBA title.

4. Money.

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When the Saban-to-Texas rumors started circulating, they came with it a jaw-dropping figure: $10 million. The highest paid coach in sports right now is the New Orleans Saints’ Sean Payton, who stands to make $8 million this season after signing a new contract. If Saban were to be offered $10 million to coach Texas, it would be an insanely alluring offer and make him the highest paid coach of anything in the United States. It would also nearly double his $5.3 million current salary at Alabama.

5. Golf.

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Maybe I should extend this to leisure activities in general, but there is no doubt that Austin has better golf options than Tuscaloosa, Alabama. In fact, the Golf Channel ranked Austin as the No. 5 buddy golf trip. Tuscaloosa does not appear anywhere in the rankings, and as any middle-aged millionaire knows — golf is important.

6. Idiots like Harvey Updyke Jr.

Let me be the first to say it: in my multiple trips to Tuscaloosa I’ve had nothing but great encounters with Alabama fans who have nothing but nice things to say to me. In fact, I was almost thrown off by how incredibly hospitable they were to my yankee ass. I also know that every team has their asshole fans who ruin their reputations. However, as Sir Charles Barkley says, “we have an abundance of rednecks in Alabama who screw it up for all the cool people in Alabama.” Austin just has cool people. Right, Matthew McConaughey? Right.

7. Bevo > Big Al

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Why is Alabama’s mascot a elephant? Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t care.

8. Lake Parties.

Nick Saban may seem like a crusty old man, but he’s still a man, and a man needs a place to let loose every once in a while and that place is Lake Travis. As far as I know there are zero epic party lakes in the greater Tuscaloosa area. This is very important for a college football coach because he works in a high-stress environment. We all know Nick Saban has probably been thinking about buying a sweet pontoon boat for a while now — here’s his chance.

9. Recruiting.

Texas is the most fertile recruiting ground in the country — hands down. The school recruits itself. The best athletes in the country grow up dreaming of playing for the University of Texas. I realize you can say the same about Alabama, but there is simply more talent in Texas — it’s a numbers game.

10. Live music.

Austin is famously the live music capital of the world, and it’s a well-known fact that Nicholas likes his music live. In fact, word on the street is that Saban frequently complains to his wife about Tuscaloosa’s excess shitty Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute bands. (I made that up.)

11. He’ll never be bigger than Bear Bryant.

Nick Saban wants to be a legend. He wants to considered among the greatest coaches in NCAA history, and truth be told, he is well on his way. Saban has already won four national championships (three at Alabama and one at LSU), but the truth is no matter what he does at Alabama he’ll never be bigger than Bear Bryant. Even if Saban one day surpasses Bryant’s six national championships (which he very well could), he will never leave as big a mark on the program and the houndstooth-clad legend. The Crimson Tide play in a stadium named after Bryant. Every ‘Bama fan has at least one article of clothing made of houndstooth because of Bear Bryant. No matter how many championships he wins or NFL first rounders he churns out he’ll always be in Bryant’s shadow. No one is going to wear his Panama Jack hats to games in 30 years. But if he becomes the guy who revived Alabama and Texas? Greatest of all time.

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