If god gives you lemons make lemonade! and then give him a glass. but what's this? you've poisoned it. you are god now.
more game of thrones tweets? wow this show seems to drag on
weird that beekeepers get to decide what is attractive or not every year. But i guess as they say, beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
A lesbian walks into a bar and her conservative grandma screams 'why the long phase'
okay i wrote about Tim Cook but it turned into a really personal story (it is a bit long). You could read if you want http://t.co/VKHCjVNHr5
90% of Japanese television is famous people being surprised that an item of food is delicious.
Is it paleo to eat a whole cheesecake with your hands in 2 minutes? Because if Paleolithic man saw cheesecake that's 100% how it'd go down.
Classic drink pairings: 1. Pinot noir and duck 2. Champagne and oysters 3. Tequila and soul-crushing regret
It's possible that George Clooney's fiancee is only interested in him because he has access to quite a lot of free coffee pods.
Some say 14 months is too young for my son to be using an iPad but most of his Tinder dates have been lovely people.
New Pope thinks gay adoption is child abuse. Since when did the Catholic Church become experts on ch...oh yeah right, nevermind.
Some people are taking Instagram being down really hard. At dinner tonight a girl was going around restaurant just showing people her food.
Study says Australians are raising a "generation of couch potatoes" Australians think: "Wow, I sound delicious" then deep fry and eat self.
Don't smoke weed, it destroys your motivation. In other news, Dr Dre made $620 million dollars last year...
they call it writers block because that's the wing of prison they put you in when you don't file your copy on time
*advance australia fair plays while i wipe a single tear with an aussie flag hankie*
who would win in a fight between a lumbersexual and a sport goth. trick question: cockfights are illegal
next up on a current affair: Sex. what's it for. how does it work. what does this suburban clairvoyant say abt how it affects your mortgage
Stranger approached me, told me how great it was to see me after we shared a taxi, didn't have heart to tell her that was a different Asian.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. #ChinesePeople
Clicked on an article called 'What Michelle Bridges Actually Eats" and it's all just pictures of household objects.
Silently acknowledging a woman who is wearing the same shirt, followed by a mutual acknowledgment that you both bought it at Big W for $4.
You don't pick a fight with Cate Blanchett. You just don't. The woman has no pores. She is the next stage of evolution and will destroy you.
Somewhere in Canberra, Tony Abbott is stark naked, touching himself in ecstasy, covered in oil.
Look I've always said that "Redfoo" sounds like a searing and painful genital infection and frankly I feel vindicated.
In 2013, I wrote about straight male sex workers: http://t.co/DvaTjjyOlv Here's a sequel of sorts, by @cmontefiore: http://t.co/PtFNCnSuth
March 11 2014 the Senate was told "The Prime Minister has not met with Mr Nick Di Girolamo." Today PM Abbott can't rule that out.
Obama - I haven't had time to go to the Reef, I want to come back and bring my daughters, and I want their children to see it in 50 years.
Not a sight you see every day. Orange lifeboats belonging to HMAS Sirus being trucked in Perth.
Treasurer Joe Hockey 'kind of ridiculous' to be judged on everything they said before election because 'things have moved.' @abcnews
'I' before 'E' except when there's a feisty heist on weird beige foreign neighbours reinventing protein at their leisure.
Canadian HIV researcher Trevor Stratton 'what if the cure for Aids was on that flight.' Sydney conference told 100+ HIV researchers killed.
The Uniting Church is offering to take in all asylum seeking children without parents on Christmas Island.
UTS Haymarket building evacuated because of bomb threat. Police have blocked off part of Ultimo Rd, building entrances cordoned off.
Rick Astley will lend you every movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never going to give you Up.
So dropping 'N-Bombs' on minorities is free speech, but to suggest people not buy products on environmental grounds must be stopped? #auspol
Hey @JoeHockey - Quick quizz: which is #utterlyoffensive?
So Ian Thorpe is our most successful gay swimmer. Or as I like to say our most successful swimmer.
Steve Carell,Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert: How men would look if they posed in ads the way women are expected to
Reading @Farah_Gazan's tweets and thinking about the first time I read Anne Frank's diary
The Australian government just made national security journalism criminal and put the entire internet under surveillance
Every time someone says "radical Islam" this is what first comes to mind
Can't explain what metadata is? Then you shouldn't be drafting legislation about it.
Metadata contains personal information. Good to get clarification.
Attorney-General George Brandis: "social media and the internet is one of our deepest problems... they were radicalised by the internet."
Turnbull confirms to me that copyright holders could, through the court, get access to stored customer data.
Remember when the Coalition tried to bring in UK-style internet filtering as party policy for about five hours? http://t.co/rA9sudZped
I want Tim Wilson to go to the USA and tell African Americans why he can say the N word. I want this so bad.
Not all white Australians are racist, but the system is #qanda
Listen now. Because I make it a point to say this only twice a year. You call anyone an Abo, no different then calling someone a nigger.
A guide to Aboriginal places of importance in Sydney, past and present, in an APP, on your phone. How deadly is that? http://t.co/8RWeRawzU6
So defame a rich white idiot and one should apologise. Racially insult Aboriginal people and the law needs changing o.0 #Brandis #QandA
Glad to see the grave concern over #Ferguson here in Oz. But where are all you Non-Indigenous mob when it's our cops killing black folk????
Nova Peris is too successful for mainstream Australia, so she had to be torn down http://t.co/XDwAKZUhT6 my piece for the @guardian
Out of Tragedy comes the Truth - Black Deaths in Custody http://t.co/v5ncxEnDMM The "Thud" that kills Black people in Australia.
Funny how when blackfellas burn a flag they're the top news story but when they die in custody or they're 11 & kill themselves,they're not.
But no racism in Oz,right? MT @NovaPeris:Today's mail.Only makes me work harder!Thanks to all who sent their support.
Amazing how a budget emergency that saw 500 million gutted from Indigenous affairs can miraculously find 600 million for national security.
The tiny blip that was the reporting of Julieka Dhu dying in custody has convinced me more than ever that Aboriginal women are invisible.
If you're shocked that an Aboriginal woman is of the view that white ppl hate blacks in this country,you clearly need to get out a bit more.
Please retweet this if you agree @TonyAbbottMHR & his Indigenous Advisory Council have failed miserably at 'improving Indigenous Affairs'.
Four clans unite to block the road with our culture - no mining - no gas - no room for racism #ProtectSacredSites
This is me. Everyone should have the right to feel happy. I'm transitioning from girl to boy. #trans #brotherboy
Commonwealth Dept of Education says they will give my people 30 scholarships if we take a nuke dump. We should get them right now regardless
Police can treat us this way because of the Intervention. We have less rights than white ppl and police have special powers to target us
#Yesallwomen are taught that it’s their responsibility to modify and shrink their behaviour to protect themselves from sexual violence.
Utterly shameful. It’s time the rest of the world place economic sanctions on Australia. We are monsters. #auspol
Millions of people share stolen nude photographs of 60+ female celebrities while decrying privacy invasion of Facebook's new Messenger app.
Remember - it’s okay to dismiss feminists as being driven by their ‘hatred of men’ yet it’s not okay to say a misogynist killer hated women.
This is why you shouldn't click on the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female celebs, ever: http://t.co/nzRRVGnbIR
Ah shit. Seems the critiques of “women against feminism” can be transposed to white feminists who dismiss intersectionality. Sigh. #tired
‘Freedman didn’t encourage a conversation Australia needs to have. She ended it’ Me in @WAtoday on racism: http://t.co/H58uy1q10M
Poster for @DIACAustralia 𠇍on’t get on boats” campaign / bomb targeting Hazaras in Pakistan, 2011 #NoAdvantage?
If women only matter because they're some dude's mother or sister or daughter or wife, you're not quite there yet bro but slowclap.
There is no April Fool's joke that could be more shocking or terrifying than the actual truth of what's happening in this country right now.
Feminist victory! @ComoMelbourne have cancelled his reservation. Let's shower them with love!#takedownjulienblanc
One Australian woman per week is murdered by her partner or ex. How many more must die before this is declared a national emergency?#discuss
Hey @MCG, this okay by you? Traumatising women and trading on your name with religious propaganda? #AFLFinals #AFLGF
Only a few minutes of reading the #yesallwomen hashtag on Twitter reduced me to tears. How do women go on? The answer is always other women.
Want to know how to give a mind blowing blowjob? Suck a lot of cock. It's not rocket science. #10000rule
Pretty sure sex workers are the most resilient people on earth.
My classic favourite line from creatives/media, "We want to give a voice to sex workers." We always had our own voices, you never listened.
"Won't your vagina get loose?" I swear this is the most frustrating & ignorant comment or misconception I get asked as a sex worker. No.
Winston was pretty upset about being left out. RT @UberFacts: Hitler plotted to kill William Churchill with exploding chocolate.
The dog next door is barking mindlessly into the dark. I guess it's the canine version of twitter.
But are useless with names. "Who was that guy - something Aldrin. Brad? Bud?" RT @UberFacts: Honeybees can recognize individual human faces.
But most of them end up waitressing in LA. RT @UberFacts: About 275 million new stars are born every single day.
FUCK YEAH SO GLAD THE WORLD NOW CARES ABOUT EBOLA WHO KNEW ALL IT NEEDED TO GET SERIOUS ATTENTION WAS A FEW WHITE PEOPLE BEING INFECTED!
FUCK YEAH LOVING ALL YOUR NO MAKEUP SELFIES TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR CANCER I'M SO AWARE OF CANCER NOW YOU GUYS! #forcancer
FUCK YEAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA COUPLES AT IKEA BUYING THINGS FOR THEIR LIVES TOGETHER HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE IS A LIE!
FUCK YEAH THERE IS A SHOP OPENING IN BONDI THAT DESCRIBES ITSELF AS A "LEAF BOUTIQUE" IT'S A SALAD BAR SYDNEY WE'VE REACHED PEAK ASSHOLE!
B U B U N G O
dying
tfw you're about to board your flight and you have FOUR unwatched episodes of SHACK CHUDS lined up
WHERE IS THE BEER LIZARD
*fart noises*
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