DIY

27 Universal Truths Of Parenting

You will get peed on.

1. It is impossible to feed a baby without also opening your mouth.

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2. Your kid will have to pee the second you get them into a leotard and tights.

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3. Or a snow suit.

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4. Or a carseat.

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Basically, kids always have to pee at the most inopportune moments.

5. If you go to the bathroom your kid will choose that exact moment to get all up in your business.

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6. If it occurs to you that your kids haven’t been sick in a while, they will get sick almost immediately.

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And guess what? You will too.

7. At some point you will return home to discover you put your kid’s shoes on the wrong feet hours earlier.

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8. Your baby will wake from a nap the second you and your partner start to get frisky.

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How people ever have second kids, I don’t know.

9. The cooler you feel, the more embarrassing you are to your kids.

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10. The newer the shirt, the more likely it is to be spit-up on.

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11. You will use a parenting cliché… and mean it.

12. If your kid falls asleep within five minutes of home, they won’t sleep for hours.

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13. As bad as two-year-olds are, three-year-olds are worse.

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The “terrible twos” got nothing on “threenagers.”

14. Whatever awesome thing your kid can do in front of you, they will be too shy to do in front of others.

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15. Babies will always find the worst thing on the ground… and put it in their mouth.

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16. The minute you answer the phone your kids will start acting loud and crazy.

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17. Your kids will sleep late on the days they need to get up, and be up at the crack of dawn on days they don’t.

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18. Your kid’s favorite toy will be the one you spent the least amount of money on.

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That is, if it’s not the box it came in.

19. If your teenager is suddenly sugar sweet it’s because they want something.

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20. No matter what you make your kids to eat, they will want something else the minute you set it in front of them.

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21. When your kid does something that makes you think they might be a genius, they will then do something that makes you think they were dropped as a baby.

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22. When you go to the supermarket your route will never fail to pass every toy, sugary cereal, and candy in the place.

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23. The minute you throw out something your kid hasn’t mentioned in months they will immediately ask for it.

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24. Your kids will look anywhere but the camera when you say “cheese.”

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25. Babies will need a diaper change the minute your food comes at a restaurant.

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26. If you swear in front of your kid, they will repeat it in front of their teacher, your mother-in-law, or a priest.

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27. Sitting through an episode of Barney will seem like forever, but your kid will grow up in a flash.

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