1. It is impossible to feed a baby without also opening your mouth.
2. Your kid will have to pee the second you get them into a leotard and tights.
4. Or a carseat.
Basically, kids always have to pee at the most inopportune moments.
5. If you go to the bathroom your kid will choose that exact moment to get all up in your business.
6. If it occurs to you that your kids haven’t been sick in a while, they will get sick almost immediately.
And guess what? You will too.
7. At some point you will return home to discover you put your kid’s shoes on the wrong feet hours earlier.
8. Your baby will wake from a nap the second you and your partner start to get frisky.
How people ever have second kids, I don’t know.
9. The cooler you feel, the more embarrassing you are to your kids.
10. The newer the shirt, the more likely it is to be spit-up on.
12. If your kid falls asleep within five minutes of home, they won’t sleep for hours.
13. As bad as two-year-olds are, three-year-olds are worse.
The “terrible twos” got nothing on “threenagers.”
14. Whatever awesome thing your kid can do in front of you, they will be too shy to do in front of others.
15. Babies will always find the worst thing on the ground… and put it in their mouth.
16. The minute you answer the phone your kids will start acting loud and crazy.
17. Your kids will sleep late on the days they need to get up, and be up at the crack of dawn on days they don’t.
18. Your kid’s favorite toy will be the one you spent the least amount of money on.
That is, if it’s not the box it came in.