1. Chow down on junk food after the kids are asleep.
2. Find the members of The Fresh Beat Band attractive.
Lookin’ good, Shout.
How YOU doin’, Marina?
3. Tell your own “abridged” version of a bedtime story.
“So there’s these three pigs…” *turns page* “And they all built houses, but only one was strong…” *turns page* “Then a wolf blew down the houses except for the strong one…” *turns page* “The end! Now go to sleep.”
4. Order your toddler food at a restaurant just so you can get a little mac ‘n’ cheese.
5. Check your email when playing hide and seek.
“Ready or not here I come!” *opens email* “Wow! You must’ve really found a great hiding place!” *opens new email* “I can’t find you anywhere!” *types quick response*
6. Let your kids watch a “double feature” because you desperately need a break.
7. “Lose” a toy.
The louder the toy, the more likely it is to get “lost.”
8. Steal candy from waiting rooms to give to your kids.
“Thanks, Mom!” “Don’t thank me, honey. Thank Dr. Feingold.”
10. Lie about your kid’s age to get free kid admission.
“Really, sir? She’s 3? Because she looks like she’s in grade school.” “Nope! She’s just big for her age! Really freakishly big.”
11. Use your kid to get out of doing something.
12. Forget the name of one of your kid’s friend’s parents.
“Hey, there’s Billy’s dad.” “Oh, yeah. What’s his name again?” “I was hoping you’d know.”
14. Tell your kid a boldface lie.
“I’m afraid Toys ‘R’ Us is closed today. You know what else is closed? The ice cream shop and the park. Tough luck, kid.”
15. Let your kids wipe their hands on your pants.
“NO, MOM!!! NOT THE BLOWER!!! NO!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!” “Fine! Just wipe your hands on my pants.”
16. Talk the ear off the cable guy, mailman, or any other adult who visits your house.
This is what happens when you spend all day alone with a child.
17. Say something your kid wants to do is illegal.
“Sorry, honey, it’s against the law to eat candy on Wednesdays.”
18. Try breast milk.
You know you did.
19. Let some boys hang out in your daughter’s room, but not others.
20. Buy knockoff toys and try to pass them off as the real thing.
Admit it: Your kid’s American Girl doll pretty much exclusively wears Our Generation clothes from Target.
21. Stalk your kids on social media for their safety… and to satisfy your curiosity about their private lives.
22. Try on your pre-kid clothes when no one is around to see if they still fit.
Spoiler alert: They don’t.
23. Tell your partner you let your kid win when you legitimately got beat.
24. Pass gas and blame it on your kid.
25. Lie to a babysitter about your kid’s bedtime.
“Her bedtime? It’s, uh, 7:30 like a normal kid her age. But tonight it’s OK if she stays up until 8. Or even 9. Yeah.”
26. Promise your child that you’ll “come back another time” when you have no intention of ever doing so.
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