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Food

The Definitive Ranking Of Diet Killers

All good diets must come to an end.

31. Opening a 100 Calorie Pack, and then another, and another (and another).

Seriously, who can eat just one of these stupid little packs?

30. Goldfish crackers.

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They’re not even that good. OK, they are. Bastards.

29. Giving in and having a hot dog at a baseball game.

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It’s practically un-American not to.

28. Cheese.

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All diets start with you saying, “Hold the cheese,” then end with you holding cheese and cramming it into your mouth.

27. A bowl of M&M’s sitting on a counter and staring at you with puppy dog eyes.

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26. Going to the Cheesecake Factory for their Skinnylicious menu and making a bad choice somewhere along the way.

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25. Chipotle

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You meant to get a bowl without cheese, but…

24. Convincing yourself you can have a giant plate of pasta to carbo-load for a workout you don’t end up having.

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23. Cupcakes.

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These things are everywhere nowadays, and pose a serious threat to any diet.

22. Shopping at Costco when all the samples are out.

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21. When you snap at Starbucks and order a Frap with lots of whipped cream and chocolate.

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…and then give the barista a fake name to hide your shame.

20. “Fun-size” candy.

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“I’ll have just one,” you tell yourself. Yeah, right.

19. Mac ‘n’ cheese.

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A few weeks into your diet you start to crave comfort food.

18. When you have nothing but diet food in the house and remember that a man will bring you egg rolls if you just pick up the phone.

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17. Doritos.

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This squirrel was down 15 ounces until the Doritos cravings became too strong.

16. Noticing a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor in the frozen food aisle en route to the Lean Cuisines.

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15. Movie theater popcorn.

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You tried watching a movie without snacks and you did not like it.

14. Shopping at the mall when you catch a whiff of Cinnabon.

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It takes some serious will power not to answer that siren call.

13. Bacon.

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Just bacon.

12. Passing a Taco Bell at 2 a.m. after a night out.

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11. Driving past a Krispy Kreme at the very moment they turn on the “Hot Now” sign.

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10. When it’s the birthday of Earl from accounting and you’d look like a dick if you didn’t have a slice.

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Freaking Earl.

9. This Cookie Butter crack they sell at Trader Joe’s.

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You went to pick up some healthy food, then blacked out and woke up in a dingy motel room next to an empty jar of this stuff.

8. Whenever free, warm bread is put on your table at a restaurant, especially Red Lobster.

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Free bread is a problem at a lot of restaurants.

7. When your niece or neighbor’s kid pressures you into buying their Girl Scout cookies.

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You order six boxes of Thin Mints and eight boxes of Samoas. You know, for the kids.

6. McDonald’s fries.

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You can live without the burgers, but the fries haunt your dreams.

5. Alcohol.

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High caloric alcohol + lowered impulse control = Adiós, diet!

4. Pizza.

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The end begins with your friend saying, “We ordered pizza, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got some carrot sticks in the fridge you can eat.”

3. Warm chips right out of the fryer at a Mexican restaurant.

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It’s just not fair, really.

2. Nutella.

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When you start rationalizing “Nutella isn’t chocolate, so…” you’re done for.

1. Appetizers.

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No. 1 rule of Gremlin ownership: Do not feed them after dark. No. 1 rule of being on a diet: Do not order an appetizer. NEVER ORDER AN APPETIZER!

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