1. When your kid is playing below circling birds you can’t help but worry about this:
You don’t care if that video was a hoax. IT. COULD. STILL. HAPPEN.
2. If someone else is holding your baby you feel super uncomfortable the entire time.
That Duggar lady with 20 kids could be holding your baby. Doesn’t matter.
3. You need to find a 12-step group for baby proofing, because you baby proof everywhere you go.
You knew you had a problem when you started baby proofing waiting rooms.
4. You always scream when your kid falls down, which generally upsets them way more than the fall.
5. If the supermarket is out of wipes at the entrance, you spend your whole time shopping paranoid that your kid is going to catch a cold.
6. You’re pretty much always sleepy because you get up many times a night to peek in your kid’s room and make sure they’re okay.
7. When your kid’s class goes on a field trip you can’t stop yourself from volunteering.
8. You’re at the school dances, too.
You just can’t help yourself.
9. The phrase “They’ll be fine” makes you see red.
And you can’t be held responsible for what you do when your partner says it.
10. If your kid wants to have a sleepover you always insist that it’s at your house.
11. And in the rare instance that you can’t avoid the sleepover being elsewhere, you make a drive by or two.
12. You live in fear of your kid noticing one of those bungie jump things that are popping up everywhere.
Because “Oh hell, no!” is your kid going on that.
13. Even dropping your kid off somewhere is difficult, and you won’t leave without imparting five minutes of warnings and instructions.
14. You’re unfairly suspicious of any of your kid’s new friends.
They’re pretty much all delinquents in your eyes until they prove otherwise.
15. You’ve spoiled trips to the amusement park because you won’t let your kid go on the scary rides.
It’s for their own good. That’s what your kid doesn’t appreciate.
16. When a food is recalled you never serve it to your kid ever again no matter how limited the recall was.
“Canned peas? Are you crazy? They were recalled back in ‘99!”
17. You think 16 is too young to drive and have gone to ridiculous lengths to keep your kid safe on the road.
18. No matter how many times you’re told the “wait thirty minutes after eating” rule isn’t true, you still insist on it with your kids.
Because you never know.
19. You rarely ever go out because you’re afraid of what will happen if you leave your kid alone with the babysitter.
20. Even when you do finally go out you constantly call to “check in.”
“Oh, really? Still napping? Great. Talk to you again in twelve minutes!”
21. If you lose track of your kid you totally freak the freak out.
22. And if it happens at the mall they might as well call you an ambulance.
This is especially embarrassing when it turns out your kid was behind you the whole time.