1. "Honey, which one of the kids took a bite out of the Elmo flashcard?"
2. "Why are there Legos in the peanut butter?!"
3.
"DON'T LICK THE TV SCREEN!!!" #thingsineverthoughtidsaytomykids
4. "Stop eating Play Doh!"
5. "Adam, there are no weapons at the table."
6. "Please stop putting gummy bears on your penis."
7. "That green bar in the corner is soap. You must use it on your body."
8. "Being hot isn't an excuse to take off your underwear."
9. "Put the goldfish back in the fish tank!"
10.
Less singing, more pooping.
11. "If you're going to say hello to the neighbor, you need to cover your penis first!"
12. "Don't touch dead bugs with your popsicle!"
13. "Your vagina is not a purse, so stop putting pennies in it!"
14. "The microwave is not a playhouse for your stuffed animals."
15. "Just because you can make it bigger doesn't mean you have to."
16. "I really couldn't tell you if Sofia the First has ever peed her bed."
17. "Do not bite the cat!"
18.
Bandaids are not stickers. #thingsparentssay
19. "No, Harry Potter does not have magical farts."
20. "Please stop looking for the cat’s penis. She doesn’t have one, I promise.”
21. "Tampons are NOT toys!"
22. "Stop sticking markers in your nose!"
23. "Take the headphones off the dog."
24. "Stop peeing on each other!"
