5. The theme song from Ghostbusters makes for an awesome parent-kid jam long before it’s appropriate for your kid to watch the actual movie.
You: “Who you gonna call?” Your kid: “Ghostbusters!!!”
6. When you desperately need a second to yourself, ask your kid to bring you something.
It doesn’t matter what. It can be anything so long as it’s from another room.
8. At some point your kid will say something in public that hugely embarrasses you.
There’s no stopping it from happening, so start working on your IDGAF attitude now.
18. Your kid will almost always rat you out to their other parent.
So if you have to say, “Don’t tell your mother/father” before doing something, you probably shouldn’t do it.
19. Gaining weight is a whole lot easier when you have kids.
But if you follow one rule — never eat any of your kid’s food — you’ll be fine.
20. Never give your kid a bedside glass of water unless you’re cool with taking them to the bathroom at 3 a.m.
Damn you, water. Damn you to hell!
22. Try not to take it to heart when your kid says something rude like, “Why do you have so many more gray hairs than Tommy’s mommy?”
Because it won’t be long before they say something like, “You’re the best mommy in the world!” (That one, of course, will be totally true.)
24. If you tell your kids that foods like broccoli and Brussels sprouts will make them pass gas, theyʼll suddenly be interested in eating them.
Also, in case this one didn’t tip you off, kids can be gross.
26. Nap time is when you get stuff done.
The books may tell you to nap when your kids nap, but this is time when you can take care of things without being interrupted every 30 seconds.
27. If you’re not careful, your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.
To avoid this, set up a profile for your kid and use it whenever you search for shows for them. That way your profile will still suggest movies with actual adults in them.
28. Make your kid try to pee (whether they say they need to or not) whenever you leave a place with a toilet.
Because kids will say they don’t have to pee until “I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW I CAN’T HOLD IT OH NO I’M PEEING!”
31. Lastly, make up a handshake or phrase of endearment you only use with your kid and no one else.
Your kid will never forget it, and it will still make them smile long after you’re gone.