1. Once your kid tastes Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the jig is up.
After that getting them to eat healthy cereal will be a serious challenge.
2. The same goes for chocolate milk.
Keep your kid from finding out about this stuff for as long as humanly possible.
3. Babies’ heads are magnetically attracted to doorways.
Or at least it seems that way, so be careful when carrying your baby into a new room.
4. When you do accidentally hurt your kid, try not to beat yourself up over it too much.
It happens to every parent. Really.
5. The theme song from Ghostbusters makes for an awesome parent-kid jam long before it’s appropriate for your kid to watch the actual movie.
You: “Who you gonna call?” Your kid: “Ghostbusters!!!”
6. When you desperately need a second to yourself, ask your kid to bring you something.
It doesn’t matter what. It can be anything so long as it’s from another room.
7. The knock off American Girl doll clothes at Target are WAY cheaper and your kid will love them.
“Why, yes, I would prefer to spend 12 bucks instead of 60.”
8. At some point your kid will say something in public that hugely embarrasses you.
There’s no stopping it from happening, so start working on your IDGAF attitude now.
9. Don’t let your kid fall asleep within five minutes of getting home or they’ll be up for hours.
“Hey! Let’s sing the ‘We’re Almost Home’ song! WE’RE ALMOST HOME! NO SLEEPING! WE’RE ALMOST HOME!”
10. You will never be able to go to a McDonald’s with a Playland and leave without your kid playing in it.
Your kid may say they’re fine with only having lunch on the way in, but they’ll change their tune once they’ve polished off their Happy Meal.
11. If you call frozen yogurt “ice cream,” your kids won’t know the difference for a surprisingly long time.
12. Never give your toddler your phone without putting it on guided access.
Otherwise they’re liable to go on a binge of deleting apps and repeatedly texting “xjsadvbli457vw” to your boss.
13. When your kid asks “Can I get that?” act just as excited about it while saying “For your birthday!”
That way they won’t even realize they got shot down.
14. Put off letting your kid get down out of the shopping cart for as long as possible.
Because once your kid is no longer contained all chaos can break loose.
15. You also need to know that your kid will be able to spot every unhealthy item you don’t want them to have in the grocery store.
So scope out the aisles in advance and plan your shopping route accordingly.
16. No item of baby clothing is so cute that it’s worth dealing with complicated washing instructions.
Ain’t nobody got time for hand-washing baby clothes.
17. When all else fails and your kids are acting up, let them go outside and run around.
It works every time.
18. Your kid will almost always rat you out to their other parent.
So if you have to say, “Don’t tell your mother/father” before doing something, you probably shouldn’t do it.
19. Gaining weight is a whole lot easier when you have kids.
But if you follow one rule — never eat any of your kid’s food — you’ll be fine.
20. Never give your kid a bedside glass of water unless you’re cool with taking them to the bathroom at 3 a.m.
Damn you, water. Damn you to hell!
21. Every once in a while you should buy the souvenir photo.
Yes, they’re totally overpriced, but in 10 years you’ll be glad you spent that $15.
22. Try not to take it to heart when your kid says something rude like, “Why do you have so many more gray hairs than Tommy’s mommy?”
Because it won’t be long before they say something like, “You’re the best mommy in the world!” (That one, of course, will be totally true.)
23. Legos make awesome bath toys and don’t get moldy.
24. If you tell your kids that foods like broccoli and Brussels sprouts will make them pass gas, theyʼll suddenly be interested in eating them.
Also, in case this one didn’t tip you off, kids can be gross.
25. You should always think twice before offering anyone a ride.
Because it’s all too easy to say, “Sure, you can ride with me!” then remember as you walk the 40 feet to your car that the inside is an absolute disaster area.
26. Nap time is when you get stuff done.
The books may tell you to nap when your kids nap, but this is time when you can take care of things without being interrupted every 30 seconds.
27. If you’re not careful, your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.
To avoid this, set up a profile for your kid and use it whenever you search for shows for them. That way your profile will still suggest movies with actual adults in them.
28. Make your kid try to pee (whether they say they need to or not) whenever you leave a place with a toilet.
Because kids will say they don’t have to pee until “I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW I CAN’T HOLD IT OH NO I’M PEEING!”
29. Speaking of pee: Always bring a change of clothes not just for your kid, but for yourself too.
At some point you will get your kid’s pee (or No. 2 or or spit-up) on your clothes while out in public.
30. Take toys your kid has lost interest in and put them in a box in the closet. Later, when your kid is bored, pull out the box and let your kid go “toy shopping.”
Their old toys will suddenly be super exciting.
31. Lastly, make up a handshake or phrase of endearment you only use with your kid and no one else.
Your kid will never forget it, and it will still make them smile long after you’re gone.