1. They don’t actually like your band, blog, or screenplay.
In fact, the more enthusiastic they are about it, the less they like it.
2. All photographic evidence of their awkward phase.
You know Jennifer Garner did everything in her power to keep Ben Affleck from seeing this photo.
3. The way they eat when they’re not with you.
Their biggest fear is running into you at Chili’s as they’re polishing off an Awesome Blossom and rack of ribs.
4. They don’t exclusively wear sexy underwear.
They usually can be found wearing granny panties or tighty-whities.
5. Their crazy family.
They know they’re going to have to introduce you to them at some point, but they’ll put it off as long as they can.
6. They’ve stalked your ex on Facebook.
And now they either judge you or feel totally out of their league.
7. They’re not nearly as sophisticated as they let on.
They haven’t read that book, they didn’t enjoy the art museum, and they don’t like drinking scotch.
8. This is not how their bathroom normally looks.
“What have I been doing all day? Certainly not deep scrubbing my bathroom for three and a half hours.”
9. They neither love to cook, nor are they very good at it.
They’ve totally rocked the two meals they know how to make, and now spend their spare time googling things like, “Simple recipes that don’t seem simple.”
10. They don’t hang out at home in their coolest clothes.
The minute you leave they throw on sweatpants and an old T-shirt.
11. The biological reality that they poop.
They’re waiting for you to fall asleep so they can lay wreckage to the bathroom.
12. They haven’t farted in front of you either.
Even though sometimes they’ve had to fight like hell to keep it inside.
13. They’re not really this much fun.
“Raging at the clubs until 2 a.m.? Awesome! I’d way rather do that than sit on the couch eating takeout and watching Netflix!”
14. They’re a poor loser.
It killed them to say “Good job, honey!” when you beat them at Scrabble.
15. They’re not actually this into sports.
Though they’ve done a good job of pretending to be excited when your team scores.
16. Or shopping.
The hardest smile they ever forced was when you said, “It’s so great to have finally found someone who loves to shop as much as I do!”
17. They’re not always “on.”
And they don’t know how long they can keep being this funny. It’s exhausting.
18. They’re not this nice, either.
So much smiling. So much.
19. They don’t, in fact, love sushi.
And they’re sick of eating seaweed.
20. They actually hate Sex and the City.
Or Cops, Gilmore Girls, Eastbound & Bound… They also don’t really dig that music you keep playing.
21. How many people they’ve been with.
Forgetting how many they said last time is a serious problem.
22. Their irrational fear of cotton (or some equally weird quirk… we’ve all got one).
“Can you pull the cotton out of this bottle of aspirin for me?” “Why can’t you do it?” “STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND JUST DO IT!!!”
23. They have serious morning breath.
Getting up early to brush their teeth and then slipping back into bed is not a sustainable lifestyle.