1. Kids have loved birthday cake for hundreds of years.
In fact, the origins of eating cake to celebrate a birthday can be traced back to Roman times. Birthday cake is forever, people. Be gone, cupcakes!
2. Blowing out candles atop a birthday cake is the absolute best!
3. But blowing out one lousy candle crammed into a cupcake is just kind of sad.
You can even blow it out with your nose. Where’s the fun in that?
4. Also, I’ve got it on good authority that birthday wishes made over cupcakes don’t come true.
You think blowing out one little candle is going to make magic happen?
5. It’s an incredible feeling to look down at a beautiful cake and see “Happy Birthday” written on it.
And if it’s written next to a bunch of super heroes, all the better.
6. THIS. IS. NOT. THE. SAME.
Poor Phill. He got cupcakes on his birthday AND has two L’s in his name.
7. There’s nothing quite like when the lights are turned low and the cake is carried into the room.
Everyone “oohs” and “aahs” over the glow of the candles. Nobody “oohs” and “aahs” over a cupcake.
8. Speaking of candles, part of the fun is getting one candle for every year of your life!
Again, you can’t do this with a puny cupcake.
9. Getting the first slice because it’s your birthday makes a kid feel super special.
Corner piece for the win!
10. Nobody feels special with cupcakes, though, because every kid gets the exact same thing. Even the birthday kid. Tragic, really.
Birthdays should not be a democracy. On your birthday you’re the king, and the king gets the frosting rose!
11. Putting ice cream and cake on the same plate and then eating them together is glorious.
You can’t do this with a cupcake. Cupcakes say, “It’s either me or ice cream, kid. Pick one and deal with it.”
12. The photo opps that come with birthday cake are priceless.
13. Cupcakes, meanwhile:
Sad birthday is sad.
14. Watching a one-year-old tear into a smash cake is beyond cute.
15. This kid loves birthday cake so much he wanted to be one.
16. Cupcakes aren’t just lousy for kids’ birthday parties. They’re also lousy for prisoners’ birthdays.
No jail break this year. Thanks, Mom!
17. Today’s birthday cakes are more incredible than ever before.
I’m not sure what awesome squared is, but it probably looks a lot like this cake.
18. Cakes with photos on top are pretty awesome, too.
You can’t fit Val Kilmer and Alec Baldwin on a cupcake. Especially not at their current weights.
19. This = Not as exciting.
20. When baseball legend Tommy Lasorda turned 81 did the Dodgers serve him birthday cupcakes?
Of course not. The man won them two World Series titles. That would have been an outrage.
21. The leader of the free world gets cake too.
Cupcakes are for one-termers.