1. Realizing your kid is old enough for “the talk” and OMG YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS!
2. Researching sex ed online and finding it’s a lot more complicated than you remember.
Wait… that has a name?
3. Making the mistake of asking your parents for advice.
The awkwardness won’t stop until you’ve heard: “You should know your mother and I had a very healthy sex life. Still do.”
4. Your spouse cornering you and saying, “So how’s the preparation going?”
5. Making a trip to the mall to pick up “the books.”
6. The expression of the clerk who rings you up.
7. The time spent summoning the strength to go through with it.
8. Trying to act casual as you enter your kid’s room.
9. Announcing that you want to have a talk and sounding way more official than you intended.
10. Your kid saying, “You don’t have to talk to me about this. Tommy and I already looked at some pictures on the Internet.”
11. The seconds that tick by as you and your kid just stare at each other.
12. Your kid’s expression when it becomes clear there’ll be no stopping you.
13. The awkwardness of saying the word “vagina.”
14. Not to mention the word “penis.”
15. Basically all the words. SO MANY WORDS.
Scrotum. Clitoris. Vulva. Orgasm.
16. Reaching the topic of masturbation and hearing your kid ask, “Do you do it?”
17. Plus all the other questions your kid asks.
“So what’s all that stuff in your bedside drawer?”
18. So many questions.
“What exactly is a blow job?” “How old were you when you first had sex?” “Is it normal to feel funny when UFC is on?”