1. “Clang Goes The Dynamite”
A classic club banger much in the same style as “Umbrella” with a more reggae feel. Rihanna details the kind of guy she’s looking for; one that isn’t afraid to take as many chances as possible even if they only pan out 40% of the time. Also, think of all the words that rhyme with “clang”.
2. “Zhejiang Chouzhou (A Fine Line)”
This one comes with all the usual trappings of any typically semi-racist foray into another country’s musical heritage by a popular American based recording star. Not unlike the video for Nicki Minaj’s “Your Love”, Rihanna dresses in dynastic Chinese gowns while J.R. tries to dunk over a CGI dragon. Stephon Marbury’s statue may have some company soon.
3. “No Ring”
Moving into that awkward celebrity relationship middle ground where the guy tries to seem like he’s not getting some on the side despite dating one of the world’s most beautiful people, Rihanna may look to the Beyonce school of man wrangling. Songs like “Irreplaceable” and “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” were written in some form or another out of frustration with Jay-Z’s possible lascivious ways. The song will ultimately up end another promising Knicks playoff run as J.R. Smith kicks a speaker playing the song during the first round of the playoffs and ends up slicing his foot open.
4. “Biggest Ass Ever”
Ultimately when the relationship inevitably dissolves, Rihanna will churn her vitriol into a double entendre titled tell off. Any possible shortcomings on J.R.’s end will rise to the not so subtle surface, and Rihanna will finally denounce her youthful forays into the “bad boy” charms.
5. “Linning (The One)”
Slumped up against a wall in the cavernous hallways of Madison Square Garden Rihanna quietly sobs lamenting another relationship gone wrong. A handkerchief enters the frame and Rihanna looks up, her eyes still sparkling with tears. Jeremy Lin stands over her offering his hand. She gets up slowly as Lin drapes his suit coat around her like a perfect gentleman.
Que the intro to the greatest ballad of Rihanna’s illustrious career. Her voice soars re-invigorated in the way that only true love can inspire. Kanye even slips in for a verse after his recent marriage to Kim Kardashian. The song bumps Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the greatest tear jerking love song of all time.
To quote,”His left may be weak but that’s OK he always does things right.”
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