Words cannot express how much I loathe Vee. The manipulation. The cruelty! The damn-near incestuous sex she had with the boy she practically raised… and then had him gunned down by the police! Vee is the worst!
I spent the entire second season of #OINTB wondering, “And why does Brook Soso exist again?” She is the walking embodiment of “I can’t.”
Oh, Piper… It must be hard to go through life being a pretty terrible person and not even realizing it. For every decent thing she does on the show, she does three annoying, entitled things.
And the award for Worst Mom of Always goes to Aleida. Daya’s mom is as selfish and cold as they get. She’s gotten a little better this season, but not enough to redeem her.
26. Leanne and Angie (Tie)
Leanne and Angie are Litchfield’s favorite meth heads. While they provide some comedic relief, they are pretty insufferable. At least Pennsatucky has conviction!
If this were a ranking of hotness, Alex Vause would definitely be ranked higher… But it’s not. And Alex is a pretty shitty person. Her and Piper are actually made for each other.
This isn’t so much the character’s fault as it is the writers’. Chang is just not all that interesting… but they did give her more of a personality this year and I appreciated that.
23. Big Boo
See, I was totally down with Big Boo until (a) that whole thing with Little Boo and (b) she betrayed Red because… Actually, I still don’t understand why she betrayed Red. But hey, loyalty is everything in prison. So disappointed in you, Boo.
I feel for Watson, I really do. She’s been sent to SHU twice for someone else’s B.S. actions. But the girl has got a MAJOR chip on her shoulder. I’m gonna need her to work that out. Soon.
Gina is also a pretty non-essential character… and she’s kinda dumb. But this season, I felt for her. She was hurt by Red (physically and emotionally). And she helped Nicky not relapse. Maybe she’ll move up on the list next season.
Maria, Maria… My heart broke when you gave birth to your daughter. My heart broke when you were possibly getting sent to an out-of-state prison. But damn, girl, your baby daddy is FWIIIIINE. Still not enough character development for her, though.
Dayanara is a hot mess. Deep down, she’s a good person. But she makes a lot of dumb mistakes. At first, her relationship with Bennett was heart-warming. Now, it’s annoying. And why do I feel like she actually may have a thing for Pornstache? Ew.
Pennsatucky lost a lot of her fire (and brimstone) this season. But she gained a new set of teeth. Hallelujah! But in all seriousness, I loved Pennsatucky’s crazy-ass last season. But this season, I couldn’t rock with her… or that unfortunate hair cut she had towards the end.
17. Sister Ingalls
Sister Ingalls was cool and all… until you realized she’s a bit of a narcissist. I liked her better when she was Sophia’s homegirl.
16. Maritza and Flaca (Tie)
Maritza and Flaca together almost make a whole person. They are also way more likable together. But mostly, I want them to do a makeup tutorial on YouTube.
15. Tricia (R.I.P.)
I know, I know… Tricia died last season. But she was such a sweetheart. And her cornrows were always nice-looking. Have you ever seen a white girl have decent cornrows? I still miss her.
14. “Black” Cindy
Are we ever going to meet “White” Cindy? Anyways, Black Cindy is probably the funniest person on OINTB. It was always a treat when she was on screen.
13. Yoga Jones
Yoga Jones is the nicest inmate at Litchfield, hands down. But mostly, I love her because whenever she speaks, I am taken back to the days when life was simple and Patti Mayonnaise ruled Doug.
Norma is such a weird character. She doesn’t talk, but somehow, I find myself really loving her. And her singing voice is literally that of an angel. I really hope we see what landed her in prison next season.
11. The Golden Girls (AKA Frieda, Irma, and Taslitz)
While the younger inmates provided a lot of entertainment this season, it was the older inmates that made shit happen. I was so enamored (and scared!) of these women. They are the most gangster of grandmas.
Oh, Nicky… Under all that unkempt hair and nymphomania is a heart of gold. I enjoy Nicky, but I gave her lots of *side eye* when she hooked up with Soso this season. (Say it ain’t Soso! Get it?)
OK, so this is where it gets hard. Because there’s Sophia, who is a fantastic character. And then there’s LaVerne Cox, the phenomenal woman and activist. If I could rank LaVerne Cox instead of Sophia, she’d be #1 on this list. But alas, I have to rank Sophia. And we didn’t see that much of her this season. But her sex ed anatomy lesson was so great.
8. Miss Claudette
This is another character who was absent this season (and we very well may not see her ever again). But I LOVED Miss Claudette. She didn’t put up with anyone’s shit. I really hope we see her again next season.
Poor Morello. That girl is a bonafide psycho. But strangely, I liked her that much more after I found out what a crazy stalker she was. Am I the only one who thinks she deserves better than Christopher?
Whenever I see Red on the screen, all I hear is Iggy Azalea rapping, “You should want a bad bitch like this!” Don’t ever get it twisted—Red rules Litchfield. It was hard seeing her struggle this season, but I KNOW she’s going to be back on top soon enough.
I love me some Gloria. That accent. That attitude. That sarcasm. How she rocks her chef’s uniform. How she may or may not be a witch. All hail Gloria!
4. Miss Rosa
Miss Rosa did everyone the hugest favor this season: she took out Vee. It hurt to watch her find out she was going to die, but it was so great to see her backstory and to see her leave Litchfield in a way that was so suitable for her. I’ll miss her next season.
Even though Taystee lost her way this season, I will always love her. That laugh. Her hilarious dialogue. She went from being a side character last season to one of the more important characters this season. I can’t wait to see her develop more.
There is not enough I could say about Poussey. She is both vulnerable and tough, sincere and humorous. She stuck by her morals this season, even though it risked her friendship with Taystee. And she speaks German! What is there NOT to love about Poussey?!
1. Crazy Eyes
Crazy Eyes is probably the best person at Litchfield. Yeah, she’s a little unhinged. But she speaks mad truth. I hated seeing Vee manipulate her the way she did. But as per usual, Crazy Eyes always comes out on top. My life is empty now that I have to wait another year for more Suzanne.