1. The word “inappropriate” has lost all of its meaning.
And the term “NSFW” usually means “bring this up in the next staff meeting”.
2. You say “vagina” and “penis” way more than the average person should.
And often, it’s very loudly and in public places. Like while eating lunch at PF Chang’s with your family.
3. You only use the correct terminology when talking about sex and reproductive organs.
The man didn’t “come”, he ejaculated. The woman’s “cherry” wasn’t “popped”, her hymen was broken.
4. You get really mad when your friends tell you they had unprotected sex.
Seriously, I have so many statistics and rates about STD transmission memorized. All I hear is, “Blah blah blah I probably have HPV now and don’t know it blah blah blah!”
5. You can correctly state and spell the full name of almost every STD without hesitation.
Bacterial: Chlamydia. Gonorrhea. Syphilis.
Viral: Human Papilloma Virus. Herpes Simplex Virus. Human Immunodeficiency Virus/Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. Hepatitis (B, C, or D).
6. When people say, “I had sex,” you secretly want them to clarify which type… even if it’s irrelevant.
Oral, vaginal, and anal sex are all types of sexual intercourse and all are risky for STIs. #TheMoreYouKnow
7. You’re always hip to the new slang terms, because that’s all your students know.
A “blue waffle” is WHAT? No, no, no!
8. When Sophia gave the other inmates their anatomy lesson on OINTB, you nodded along knowingly.
Yes, there are three holes, females.
9. On your first six months on the job, you learned more about sex than you previously had in your entire life.
I’m reading The Guide to Getting It On for purely informational reasons.
10. All of your coworkers have models of genitalia hanging up in their cubicles and no one bats an eye.
Is that your educational penis model or is your desk just happy to see me?
11. Once people find out what you do, they feel very comfortable asking you questions.
Like that one time the guy from AAA fixed your car and then asked you questions about his upcoming vasectomy appointment… WHY?!
12. You know what each letter of the acronym LGBTQ means.
You also know the issues that lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, queer, and questioning people face. As well as asexual, intersex, and pansexual… and try your hardest not to be a heteronormative, cisnormative, homophobic, transphobic douchebag!
13. You always have a fun assortment of condoms laying around.
Condom keychains. Condom lollipops. Colored condoms. Flavored condoms. XL condoms. Lambskin condoms. You are the Condom Keeper.
14. You are such a pro at rolling condoms on bananas.
If there was a Condom Banana Olympics, you would win the gold every time.
15. You could talk about birth control all day just for fun… and probably have.
The pill! The patch! The ring! Hormonal vs. barrier! There’s just so much to talk about.
16. You have made the depressing realization that there are teenagers out there having way more sex than you are.
Don’t they have hobbies? Don’t they have homework? Where are they finding all of this time to get it on?
17. You are really, really comfortable with your coworkers.
You know a lot more about each other than you probably should. For instance, when someone has scheduled their annual pap smear, trying a new birth control method, or having really bad cramps…
18. You know you’re going to be a “cool” parent when you’re older.
Now that you’ve had all the experience in the world talking to young people (and a few adults too) about sex, you have no doubt that you will be open and understanding when talking to your own kids about the birds and the bees.