1. Hedwig, is that you?
When I had this pik on Insta, one bastard commented asking if I went to Hogwarts 😂😥
2. When the spirit of Nicki Minaj compels you to write a beautiful poem:
Good morning. A haiku: Pastor Lydia I love you so much. And now Pause. BACK TO THIS BITCH
3. That moment when Nicole Richie got the last laugh:
Me! ✋ RT @AmberFez: Who remembers when Nicole Richie was a crack whore
4. I mean, just imagine:
My worst nightmare is watching isolated footage of me at a concert I'm enjoying.
5. This lotion is so pious:
When your skin is so dry. The lotion has to ask God to give it strength 😂
6. Marilyn Monroe understands, Confucius:
"I never said all that shit." ~Confucius
7. OMG. Blue. Bread.
Bitch that's mold. RT @OvoXo_Clouds: I bet y'all never had blueberry bread before 💁
8. Accurate:
ways to get in touch with me, ranked: 1. text 2. facebook chat 3. tweet 4. email ... 998. skywriting 999. smoke signals 1000. voicemail
9. Was it well-seasoned, ma'am?
so funny what people will do when they think no one is paying attention. i hope that booger was delicious to you, ma'am.
10. *zips mouth shut*
If you're not old enough to tell me what 13 cassette tapes you ordered from Columbia House I don't give 2 shits about your life experiences
11. I feel ya, Jennifer Hudson:
I find nothing sadder, than when I c somebody drop they food.
12. The perfect example of an annoying couple:
the end of the fence is literally right there
13. Look at this discriminating pup:
My daughter ain't datin no black lab
14. When bae says come over:
Bae - Im horny Me - Im at the carnival wit da fam Bae - I'll suck yo- Me -
15. Seriously, pizza is great at any time:
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at dinner time. When time is an imaginary man made construct, you can have pizza ANYTIME!
16. This looks like the shaft of a peni— *loses signal*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
17. No, sorry, I can't right now. Maybe another time, dearest cephalopod?
"Sir? Excuse me, sir? Sir? Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Cthulhu?"
18. Why can't friends get along?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
19. Science is amazing. Fitting planets into plastic bottles. What will they think of next?
Someone in the office talking about how Venus is in gatorade so watch out folks
20. This is why you should try not to sniff anyone's anal cavity:
The smell of strong colon gives me a mind grain.
21. #RelationshipGoals
When you and your significant other have shared interests
22. *Begins dialing 911*
If a tree falls in the woods & no one is there to hear it, where is that?? I need to bury a human-sized something. Tonight.
23. Can't we just be happy?! We already can't have bacon anymore!
"Please don't eat raw cookie dough." Why, Pillsbury? Worried I might be happy for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES? #christmas #drunk #crying
24. *stifles laughter*
Am I racist if every white baby looks like Winston Churchill to me?
25. LOL 😂
26. Please cast August Alsina in the next Disney movie as a villain.
This nigga look like Cruella DeVille when she showed up to see if the puppies got their spots yet
27. We've all done it, tbh:
Me when I ask for the price of something & it turns out to be expensive af so I gotta act like I’m thinking about it
28. You can do whatever you want on YOUR social media accounts:
When people tell me to stop posting
29. 😂
When you don't have enough sauce for the spaghetti
30. What Drake was really talking about in "Hotline Bling":
I know when that hot *light* bling @krispykreme
31. I can't deal:
Growing up I always thought this was a table for the roaches to eat at.
32. 💯
Prose before ho's.
33. And finally, this absolute gem:
I literally watched this like 20 times 😂😂😂