The Worst Feeling In The World

I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out than feel this way.

I am an empath. More specifically I am an untrained empath. Emotions are a gripping, painful, powerful thing. Being an empath can show exactly how powerful they can be. It can be difficult, but being an empath reminds me that I can feel, that I am compassionate, that I don’t always look at things for a strict black and white logical perspective.

As I mentioned, it can be difficult. I often feel like a sponge absorbing other people’s emotions, and no matter how hard I try I cannot put shields up and block it out. My empathy also tends to be stronger the closer I am to a person. The worst part, for me at least, about being an empath is the unknown. It’s draining to always be feeding off someone’s emotions when they are having a bad day or a rough time, but that doesn’t come anywhere close to the feeling of being empathic and not knowing why the feelings you have exist.

For example, if a friend of mine called me and said he or she broke up with their partner I’d start to feel like I was the one who got broken up with. And that’s the point, I’d be feeling someone Else’s emotion, but I would know why. There are people, however, who simply do not like talking about their feelings and that’s when being an empath becomes difficult.

Let me explain what it feels like: It feels like you are falling down a hole. A black, dark, cold, empty, never ending hole.

I hate feeling helpless. However, there are different levels of helplessness. There is knowing what you can do to help, but the person refusing. There is knowing what’s going on, but not knowing the right way to help. Then there is feeling helpless because I have no idea what’s going on inside someone’s head.

I can sense the emotion, I feel off it, I absorb it. Someone will say they are fine, but everything about their aura will say they are not. It will feel like I am being weighed down by boulders of emotion, and there is nothing that can be done. The thing about people who don’t talk about their feelings is they tend to get annoyed if you try to push or pry.

They say, “I’m okay,” and I know they’re not, but I can’t tell them that because it might frustrate them. Either because they don’t feel comfortable talking about it, or because maybe they don’t even know why they feel the way they do.

I’ve cried, I’ve stayed up all night, I’ve fallen into overwhelming depression.

I’ve been scared to tell a person when I feel this way. Will I come across as too intense? Will they think I am too “attached” to them? Will it make them feel worse knowing they make someone else feel so, so sad? Is the reason they are like this because of me, and they are just too nice to tell me? Will I annoy them? Am I annoying them?

So what is an empath to do? I’ve tried telling myself it has nothing to do with me, I’ve tried telling myself that everyone goes through times, I’ve tried telling myself that they will get through it in their own way.

The overwhelming sadness outweighs that all.

Pretending I’m okay when I’m not is difficult, but the worst thing in the world is pretending someone else is okay when I know they’re not.

I should work on those shields.

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