1. Tape their nipples.
See? Even that nice lady is confused.
2. Get running-themed tattoos.
What’s wrong with a nice butterfly or Celtic dragon?
3. Post race reports on Facebook.
Or worse yet, tell you about every mile of their marathon while you’re trying to eat your lunch from Five Guys.
4. Cry at the end of “Prefontaine.”
And then get upset when people don’t know who Prefontaine is.
5. Run Yassos.
Isn’t that a type of frozen yogurt? Is that guy the owner?
6. Run fartleks.
What does this even mean? Do we even want to know?
8. And these.
Runners are just messing with everyone, right?
9. Drink kale smoothies for breakfast, but finish their run with a few pints at the local pub.
Is beer REALLY “Nature’s perfect recovery drink”?
10. Think running a Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving morning is fun.
Watching the Macy’s Parade and eating Grammy’s homemade pumpkin bread is fun.
11. Get enraged if you call them a jogger instead of a runner.
What’s the difference?
12. Strap these things on their shoes so they can run on snow and ice.
Did God create humans with little sharp teeth on their feet? I didn’t think so.
13. Watch marathons on TV.
Was bowling too exciting?
14. Strike bizarre poses to make their Garmin pick up a satellite signal.
Everyone (except runners) knows this doesn’t actually work.
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