Things People Say To New Orleanians

I swear, the minute you tell someone you're from New Orleans, they think Katrina, endless booze, and swamplands EVERYWHERE. But then again, they're not that far off...

1. "So you have a pet alligator, right?"

Oh, you mean Sparky?

2. "So do you guys go to parades every weekend?"

Why yes, we're actually on our way to one now. It's the "Why the hell is there a parade right now well I guess hey why not" parade.

No. We may have parades on major holidays, but it's not an every weekend thing. We'd have to hire in every cleaning crew in America to clean the gallons and gallons of spilled beer, Bloody Marys, and pee that would coat the streets.

3. "OMG! YOU KNOW THE DUCK DYNASTY PEOPLE!"

Actually, we're neighbors. That's how New Orleans works, you know. We all live in a giant neighborhood where everyone knows at least 1 interesting fact about each other. For example, I know that Si is a grade A lady killer.

4. "WHAT ABOUT SWAMP PEOPLE?

Yep, they're in the mega-neighborhood too. We have potlucks together.

5. "Oh my god, I'm SOOOOO sorry about Katrina. Were you affected?"

NOPE! I wasn't affected at all. It just destroyed more than half of my city...

People. I swear.

6. "So do you live on a plantation?"

7. "Do you take an airboat to work like in Waterboy?"

They see me floatin', they hatin'.

This isn't Venice, y'all. Contrary to popular belief, we do have streets. Incredibly bumpy and hole ridden streets, but streets nonetheless!

8. "Do you wear Mardi Gras beads on the reg?"

Oooohhh pretty. Shiny. Look how happy he is!

NO! This is the bead honeymoon phase. These little plastic bastards leave a trail of disappointment wherever they go. First, they get chucked at your head by a drunk man in a mask and a satin smock from a float. You're so happy! YOU CAUGHT SOMETHING! Honeymoon phase!! You then put them around your neck. Soon, your nostrils are filled with the dreaded Bead Stank. Your fun, new necklace smells like cheap plastic, probably carcinogenic paint, and Booze of Mardi Gras Past. You take them off, hold back a sob, and throw them in your bag in defeat.

Don't get me wrong, some beads are TREASURES. The throwback glass beads are literally fought over every year. But the nice, little plain ones are no friends of mine.

9. "Ewww crayfish look soooo gross."

First of all, we spell it C-R-A-W-F-I-S-H. We only accept "cray" for jokes such as the clever one above. Secondly, apologize. Apologize to the food gods for blasphemy against their most sacred food. They're practically the poor man's lobsters. Delicious, craved often, and sometimes hard to come by. Crawfish in the prime of the season and cooked correctly (with Zatarain's Crab Boil, corn, and potatoes) can easily make the best and most delicious of meals.

Abita beer/root beer + crawfish = happy New Orleanian

10. "It's so dangerous! I bet you don't even go outside."

While the crime rate in New Orleans is horrible, people do in fact leave the comfort of their homes. Venturing into New Orleans isn't like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto. While some areas do have higher crime rates than others, mass murderers and thieves don't lurk behind every street corner.

11. "Do you see drunk people all over the place? Like every day?"

Whenever someone asks me this question, I answer with a smile. The town isn't comprised of slobbering drunks, wandering from corner to corner, but don't get me wrong, we do love to get our booze on. In New Orleans, we can bring the dranks to any event. Birthday parties, funerals, christenings, you name it and someone's bound to have brought the alcohol. Some people may find it inappropriate, but it's a part of our culture. It's a way of celebrating life. And after all, New Orleans brings life into everyone she meets.