The Glorious And Eternal Battle Of DOG Vs. VACUUM

In the end, there can only be one. Kinda.

1. Meet dog. Strong, loyal, and fierce, dogs of the world know no other life than fighting for what is right and just.

2. Dog spends its days carefree, joyful. That is, until its mortal enemy arrives.

3. When he least expects it, it comes. No warning. No mercy. What could this enemy be, you ask?

5. Used by humans all over the world that desire nothing more than to destroy their dogs’ psyches, these vacuums rob the floor of its rightful dust. Little known fact: vacuums are powered by the tears of children.*

*In this context, “fact” may be interpreted as “logical opinion based on presented evidence.”

6. The battle between these fierce enemies begins with the opening of the utility closet. The slow creaking of the doors’ hinges serve as the vacuum’s battle cry. “I WILL FIND YOU AND YOUR KIN,” it cries.

7. “YOU ARE MINE,” it screams as the human hits the on switch.

8. First dog begins the delicate dance of combat, watching the enemy from afar.

9. And then, as if seducing her foe, dog tests her boundaries, retreating, advancing, all with grace and poise.

10. Then, inching closer, she confronts the vacuum, locking eyes with its plastic, unfeeling exterior.

11. “YOU ARE MINE,” dog cries, adrenaline bursting through its veins.

12. “YOU THINK YOU CAN DESTROY ME? TAKE MY HOME?! YOU ARE MISTAKEN. THIS IS BIGGER THAN YOU.”

13. “…FOR WHAT YOU HAVE IN ELECTRIC MIGHT I HAVE TENFOLD IN COURAGE. I AM DOG. I AM DEFENDER OF FAMILY, PROTECTOR OF INNOCENCE!”

14. Odds stacked against the canine protagonist, he marches forward. The human guides the menacing machine o’er the home, each corner threatened by its pull.

15. Dog begins to deplete its resources and calls in reinforcements. In synchronized formation, the two fight for their lives.

16. The vacuum recruits allies, employing the feline’s wiles for its own gain. Dog is humbled, but not defeated.

17. In the end, dog will conquer the vacuous beast, making it its own.

18. The dog then employs the vacuum for its own enjoyment, grooming unwanted hairs.

19. VICTORY IS DOG’S.

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