So let’s just get this straight: 2012 has passed, but we really shouldn’t let our guard down about the impending apocalypse.
We just can’t rule out the possibility of a zombie invasion or a combination of weather events that leave us, all of us, with only our wits and strength to keep us alive.
And now that we have that established, only one question remains: WHO WILL BE ON YOUR TEAM?
Who’s going to defend you from zombies or forage for food with you or fight off the other tributes when they steal all of the weapons? OK that last part is (PROBABLY) only an obstacle in The Hunger Games but I’m not ruling out any possibilities at this point.
Answer: PERSIAN MOTHA-EFFIN’ CATS.
There’s a good chance that, after reading this, you’ll want to kick YOURSELF off of your apocalypse team and replace you with more Persian cats. That’s normal. Because you know why? THEY’RE BETTER THAN YOU.
1. OK so the first reason to have Persians on your team is obvious: They’re fierce.
And they’re not afraid to show it.
If this isn’t fierce, then I don’t know what is.
2. Secondly, they’re really good at fitting into tight spots. Here we see a Persian in an ashtray.
BONUS: It looks like a Furby.
3. Also, they’re really good at finding water sources.
Just look at that cat! She’s directly IN the water source. GENIUS.
4. And you can’t deny that anything with a skull as terrifying as this deserves to be on your team.
NO BUT REALLY. WHY ARE THE EYE SOCKETS SO BIG.
5. Persians are great at building makeshift forms of shelter in the wild.
…So long as the shelter has been bought and built by the humans, and it’s indoors.
OK, scratch this one. But at least we know they look great in teepees!
6. They also have the amazing ability to transform into angry and disgruntled warriors at the drop of an electric shaver. Here we see the Persian before…
…AND HERE IT IS AFTER.
BOOM. Just like that, a fluffy, unassuming cat becomes a shaven force to be reckoned with.
Would you try to cross a cat that looks this angry? Only if you’re an idiot.
Add a little water and what do you get? A BLOOD-THIRSTY DEMON.
Always a good thing to have on your side in an apocalypse.
8. Or, uh, if you’re looking for a fierce reindeer to help you out in the post-apocalyptic world, they can handle that too.
Nothing says survival like plush antlers and a red nose.
9. Or, y’know, if you need a unicorn with a menacing stare. They’ve got that covered as well.
Magical AND terrifying. The perfect combination.
10. So, are you convinced yet? Stare into these eyes real quick.
NOW try to envision a distopic world that doesn’t involve you rollin’ with a pack of Persian cats. Impossible, right?
11. Well, there’s more. Check out this amazing battle cry.
Katniss would have had ALL of the odds in her favor if she’d had a battle cry like this.
12. And you should know that Persian cats don’t sleep. They wait whilst grimacing.
They’re like Chuck Norris only more mean and slightly more fuzzy.
13. And they’re also really handy to have around so they can be ambassadors to other members of the animal kingdom.
Cat/rat bonding is a crucial and entertaining element of wilderness survival.
14. And, when they’re not making peaceful alliances, they really good at hunting.
I mean, just look at that cat. Look at the determination in its eyes. IT WILL CATCH THOSE FEATHERS… even if it means it has to stand up*.
*no evidence shown indicates the willingness to stand, but I’m not ruling it out.
Aha! Yes, observe the Persian cat in hunting stance.
Not unlike a fuzzy Godzilla, the cat ravages the feathery object on the stick. Look at that determination, that focus. That is a natural-born killer right there.
15. And if we’re aiming high here, obviously the best team member you could possibly have is PRINCESS MONSTER TRUCK.
Her face is the definition of the ideal partner in crime.
16. Close second? Gruffalo. One fang, all heart.
The end times have never looked so good.
Here’s a pic of Gruffalo when he was first adopted.
If The Hunger Games and Lost and Harry Potter have taught us nothing else, it’s that humble beginnings = most badass protagonists.
17. Bottom line: Gruffalo will either be with you, or he will be against you.
And would you want that face against you? No.
Just look at the cat behind him. It knows to bow before greatness.
18. So you’re still not convinced you want Persian cats on your apocalypse team? That’s OK.
19. Just know that when the end is near, these glowing-eyed creatures will know where you stand.
20. And when it’s just you and this face fighting for the last scraps of food, you won’t be able to say that you hadn’t been warned.
- Missouri executed Roderick Nunley Tuesday night for a 1989 rape and murder. It was the state's sixth execution this year, and the nation's 20th. ›