1. Piper Chapman — This Lame Orange Stock Photo Kitten
So Piper is like this kitten in that they’re both decent-looking, and beyond that they don’t have much to offer. Not in an insulting way, really, but more in just a this-is-what-it-is kinda way. This makes Piper a great main character because she anchors us in the crazy world of prison life, but it also makes her a bland little kitten who chases her own tail.
2. Miss Claudette Pelage — Princess Monster Truck
OK, let’s face it: Neither of these ladies gives off the most welcoming vibe when you first meet them. But then, as you get to know them, you realize that icy exterior is just a mask they wear to deal with the world. They’ve been through some shit that you wouldn’t BELIEVE. But yeah, you should still sleep with one eye open…just in case.
3. John Bennett — Half Cat
Bennett’s a man of mystery. Does he actually love Daya or is he just creeping on an inmate? Behind those dreamy dark eyes, what IS he thinking? Half Cat’s the same way. He keeps ya guessing. Always on the run, you never know exactly what his intentions are, but you suspect he has a good heart. Oh, and yeah, both Bennett and Half Cat are short of the average limb count.
5. Sam Healy — Grumpy Cat
Seriously, though, why is Sam Healy so fucking miserable all the time? And why the lesbian obsession? Is it because he has the creepy-ass mail-order bride? Or is it the fact that he has the saddest existence in the world? No one knows, but one thing is certain: Sam Healy is a miserable, mean human, and for that, no one likes him. On the other hand, Grumpy Cat is the epitome of unhappiness and everyone LOVES her for it. So maybe Healy should just work on becoming a cat?
6. Nicky Nichols — This Sad, Fluffy Kitten
Nicky’s got some serious mommy issues, beginning with, one would assume, the fact that her mom named her Nicky Nichols. Really, though, who does that to their kid? Anyway, she’s a sad lady, and she’s got some crazy fluffy hair going on. And this kitten? Well it’s fluffy and sad too, presumably because someone placed it on this weird stump and made it pose like that, but also because it is overcome with fluffiness. Odds are, its name is Kitty Kittols because that’s apparently an acceptable thing now.
7. George “Pornstache” Mendez — This Cat With a Mustache
It’s hard to pinpoint just where Mendez’s creepiness begins. Is it his lurking? His preying on drug addicts? Or is it just the mustache? Regardless, he’s a gross creature and his mustache is a creepy crown on his disgusting existence. Now, this mustached cat can’t really be blamed for its accessory since it had no control over the markings it was born with, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be suspicious. For safe measure, best keep that thing away from a career as a prison guard.
8. Alex Vause — Catwoman
Alex is as sexy as she is mischievous, and she knows it. She knows how to get a lady to do what she wants, and is comfortable living a life of crime. The only cat that compares to Alex in abilities and depth is, of course, Catwoman. Anything less wouldn’t do her justice.
9. Galina “Red” Reznikov — Colonel Meow
Red and Colonel Meow are fucking terrifying. There’s just no getting around it. Both are ruthless dictators of their own domains, Red with her kitchen, Colonel Meow with all of feline internetdom. They also both have spiky hair, which is more intimidating than you’d think.
10. Larry Bloom — This Average Yet Oddly Weird Cat
Larry’s a devoted guy whose first priority is being decent and getting by. He’s an average dude and fully admits that the most interesting thing about his life is Piper’s prison sentence. This cat is also admits that the most interesting thing about its life is…your life. It’s just your average cat, sitting around doing nothing until it sees you doing something and then it wants to be all up in your business. And maybe it’ll write a story about you in Modern Love. Maybe.
11. Susanna “Crazy Eyes” Warren — Lil’ Bub
There’s something off about Crazy Eyes, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. When she’s not peeing on floors and throwing pie, Ms. Warren has a soft side and a penchant for reciting Shakespeare. Oh, and she tells it like it is. Lil’ Bub’s also unique, and she’s not afraid to show it. One could argue that the depth of Bub’s glory is held in her enthusiastic eyes. One could argue the same for Susanna Warren.
12. Dayanara “Daya” Diaz — This Seductive Yet Defiant Yet Conflicted Cat
If Daya is one thing, it’s tough. She’s been dealt some difficult cards in life but is a fighter. She’s beautiful, fierce, and generally confused about a lot of things in life, especially because her mother is terrible. This cat is also struggling to come to terms with her lot in life. She’s not afraid to put herself out there, but she doesn’t know what she wants from the attention she gets. Confident yet conflicted, this cat boldly poses before you.
13. Yoga Jones — This Sphynx Cat
Yoga Jones wants you to know that conflict is all about perspective; surviving turmoil is about knowing what is present and what is impermanent, what is spiritual and what is physical. This sphynx cat pretty much feels the same way except it doesn’t really give a shit about you. It’s just there, being a sphynx cat. Done.
14. Sophia Burset — This Fabulous Cat
Sophia knows that sometimes you’re not born with the body you were meant to have. She also knows how to look amazing, and how to be a trendsetter among the ladies in Litchfield. This cat also knows how to enhance her style to turn heads, and chooses to rock some long, flowing curls. Just because it’s not what she was born with does not mean it’s not fantastic. And oh, does she look GOOD.
15. Tiffany “Pennsyltucky” Doggett — This Terrifying Angel Kitten
The scariest thing about Pennsyltucky is that there’s no logic behind her actions. She’s impulsive, violent, and obsessive: everything you want in a super-villain. Similarly, this kitten is both unpredictable and terrifying. One look at it and you know that it’s capable of anything. What unspeakable horror awaits, only the kitten itself knows, but one thing is certain: Do not trust that thing. Ever.
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