Earl The Cat’s 15 Rules For Life

Listen up, son. Earl has something to say. posted on

1. Son, I want you to find what makes you feel alive in this world and follow that dream. Unless your dream is something stupid like ribbon dancing, in which case you should probably stop being a dumbass.

Megan McCormick

2. By the smell of you, it seems like you don’t think cleanliness is important. Well think again, son. It’s really goddamn important.

Megan McCormick

…Except when the humans are giving you a bath. That’s when you take your dignity and run far, far away.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

3. If someone says something is a “super food,” you have been told two things: 1. That person is dumbass. 2. That food will not taste good at all.

Megan McCormick

4. Everything is better with bacon on it. Except for cranberry sauce, but even that’s negotiable.

Megan McCormick

5. Listen to me: if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” YOU ARE a dumbass.

Megan McCormick

6. Son, if something pisses you off, you gotta give it hell. I made that red dot regret the day it was born.

Megan McCormick

7. You gotta remember that you are your own greatest ally and most formidable enemy…

Via Megan McCormick

…but when you look this good, it’s hard to think of someone who’d be better for the job.

Megan McCormick

8. Never let your guard down in a port-o-potty, son. Never.

Megan McCormick

9. When you make love to a woman for the first time, look deep into her eyes. Remember that this will be the best night of her life thus far.

Megan McCormick

10. Question everything. Especially people who wear crocs.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

11. Son, no one gives a shit about your workout routine, so stop talking about it.

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12. Never, ever, underestimate the power of a good belly rub. That shit’s the best.

Megan McCormick

13. Respect greatness when you see it. (This is greatness, son.)

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14. Don’t bother people with pictures of your kids unless they’re as cute as I was as a baby.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

And there’s no way in hell your kids are this cute.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

Really though.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

Even with the flash on — no contest.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer

15. Oh, and also? Stop taking vertical video on your goddamn phone. You’re pissing me off.

Megan McCormick

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