Earl The Cat’s 15 Rules For Life

Listen up, son. Earl has something to say.

1. Son, I want you to find what makes you feel alive in this world and follow that dream. Unless your dream is something stupid like ribbon dancing, in which case you should probably stop being a dumbass.

Megan McCormick
ID: 1274081

2. By the smell of you, it seems like you don’t think cleanliness is important. Well think again, son. It’s really goddamn important.

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ID: 1274083

…Except when the humans are giving you a bath. That’s when you take your dignity and run far, far away.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1274086

3. If someone says something is a “super food,” you have been told two things: 1. That person is dumbass. 2. That food will not taste good at all.

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ID: 1274089

4. Everything is better with bacon on it. Except for cranberry sauce, but even that’s negotiable.

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ID: 1274090

5. Listen to me: if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” YOU ARE a dumbass.

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ID: 1274091

6. Son, if something pisses you off, you gotta give it hell. I made that red dot regret the day it was born.

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ID: 1274093

7. You gotta remember that you are your own greatest ally and most formidable enemy…

Via Megan McCormick
ID: 1274096

…but when you look this good, it’s hard to think of someone who’d be better for the job.

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ID: 1274097

8. Never let your guard down in a port-o-potty, son. Never.

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ID: 1275373

9. When you make love to a woman for the first time, look deep into her eyes. Remember that this will be the best night of her life thus far.

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ID: 1275381

10. Question everything. Especially people who wear crocs.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1275430

11. Son, no one gives a shit about your workout routine, so stop talking about it.

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12. Never, ever, underestimate the power of a good belly rub. That shit’s the best.

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ID: 1275391

13. Respect greatness when you see it. (This is greatness, son.)

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ID: 1275406

14. Don’t bother people with pictures of your kids unless they’re as cute as I was as a baby.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1275469

And there’s no way in hell your kids are this cute.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1275505

Really though.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1275509

Even with the flash on — no contest.

Dr. Claude Myron Goozer
ID: 1275519

15. Oh, and also? Stop taking vertical video on your goddamn phone. You’re pissing me off.

Megan McCormick
ID: 1275537

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