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The Terrible Truth About Adorable Baby Goats

Sure, they’re cute and all, but those kids are jerks. There’s just no getting around it.

Oh sure, baby goats LOOK adorable and all cuddly and great, but they have a dark side.

This little guy next to the soda bottle, who looks so teeny tiny and adorable he doesn’t even seem real, is actually a little fuzzy devil.

Don’t let their posing fool you. Beneath those pointy ears lie some of the biggest jerks you’ve ever seen.

First of all, they jump on human heads.

And they’ll kick a dude in the crotch just to watch him cry.

And they aren’t shy about head-butting people when they’re feeling particularly feisty.

“Oh hey there, lady, feeling comfortable? NOT FOR LONG.” — This Goat

They don’t just go after humans, either. Here we see a group of innocent adorable puppies get bowled over by… what? You guessed it! A baby goat.

NO MERCY FOR EVEN THE PUPPIES.

What looks like an adorable donkey at a petting zoo to you is actually just the goat’s next victim. Just look at him! NO SHAME.

And when YOU see a tortoise you probably think about how slow and majestic they are. So much history! What does a baby goat see? HER NEXT RIDE.

“Away we go! FASTER TORTOISE! FASTER!”

Oh, and that harmless sheep resting in the sunshine? GOAT’S STEPPING STOOL.

Look at this poor hippo. Just trying to go about its day… and a goat stands on it. How rude!

At least this horse tries to fight back against it.

But this poor pig has just given up and resigned itself to being the goat’s personal trampoline. That can’t be good for its self-esteem, literally getting walked all over. :(

I mean really, LOOK at this little thing. Too young to successfully attack even a stump, but the sheer desire to DESTROY overcomes her. And who’s there to cheer her on? HER OWN MOTHER.

You can just hear it now: “Oh hooray, honey! Yes, attack! Never assume an inanimate object is innocent!”

And this little guy laughs in the face of your no-jumping-on-the-bed rule. Your furniture is his victim!

Oh, and here’s PROOF that their parents train them to be jerks. “That’s right, son! Oh, oh wait… nope, not strong enough yet. BOOM, you’re down. Best go practice on some more puppies!”

OK, I know what you’re thinking. You’re still not convinced that baby goats are evil because, yes, they are cute, and sometimes cuteness distracts from evil.

I think all of us are guilty of looking at a baby goat getting a bath and melting a little bit. But DON’T GIVE IN.

Remember that for every instance of a kid snuggling up with his turtle…

…there’s a goat out there forcing a tortoise to be its personal taxi.

And for every goat that’s really good at surfing…

…there’s a group of kids impatiently waiting to stomp on a poor old man.

The final proof: BEHOLD, public enemy number one: BUTTERMILK. She turns on the very goats that call her family. When they LEAST EXPECT IT. Just look at that savagery!

And just when the fallen goat regains his composure, Buttermilk’s there to knock him down AGAIN. A bold move only a master villain could conceive of.

But don’t get too worried — looks like even the toughest group of goats is no match for the ultimate weapon: the umbrella.

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