Once again the poor, misunderstood dinosaurs are back to wreck shit all over the place and kill a few unnecessary humans, this time around rumored to be in a theme park setting! Hmm…where have I heard this story before?
Starring Jennifer Lawrence half naked as Mystique, an all grown up Ellen Page as Kitty Pride, and MILF (Mutant I’d Like To Fondle?) Halle Berry back as Storm we’re wishing this was the Rated X-men. Hell, even the dudes are pretty fly.
George Lucas got sick of all the shit the internet gave him for whatever the hell those prequels were supposed to be and decided to sell it all to fucking Disney and let the director of that other shitty space movie fuck it up some more. Just fucking stop this shit already. We all know the medium of film attained perfection in 1980 with ‘Empire’ and NO MORE STAR WARS WERE EVER MADE. Jesus, fuck.
The most boring of all the Avengers returns to block projectiles with his shield and otherwise whine about how different life is in modern day Washington D.C. fighting some stupid government enemy that nobody cares about. He’ll probably then run for congress or some shit cause he’s just that boring of character.
Because they really enjoy money, the people behind The Hobbit decided to take what could easily fit into two films and make a trilogy. Expect lots of meaningless bullshit to waste your time in this intermission between the first and final acts. Oh, but Evangeline Lilly is in it so I guess maybe go see it.
The Avengers return to the big screen after splitting up for their own solo movies in what will surely be about as exciting as ‘The Eagles’ reuniting in 1994. Too young to remember ‘The Eagles’? I hate the fucking Eagles, man.
Marvel continues its domination of the list with the sequel to the reboot in a run up to a spin-off starring the Sinister Six. And think of the merchandising! Bro, have you invested in Disney stock yet? While Sony still retains the rights to the movies in the biggest bonehead move in showbiz history, little Timmy’s spider-man halloween costume is making bank for the mouse.
Shia LaBeouf had some artsy shit to do, so Mark Wahlberg steps in to star against a green screen and cast of giant robots that turn into cars and shit. Michael Bay is still around so expect lots of explosions and unintelligible plot points and shit. I can’t seem to stop using the word shit to describe this movie. Weird.
They really missed the boat not casting Fabio in this role. How great would it be to see Fabio on the big screen every couple years. I mean just look at the man. Then back at Thor. Then back at the man. I also kind of miss that old spice commercial guy I’m poorly satirizing here. Shit, lets just move on before I go full gay on you all…to the most anticipated movie of the next 2 years……