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What Fitness Classes At David Barton Gym Are Vs. What They Actually Sound Like

Count me in for “Pain & Pleasure,” tbh.

Matt Ortile / Via BuzzFeed

Recently, my roommate convinced me to join David Barton Gym. While I was perusing the course catalogue of fitness classes, I was alarmed by the offerings — but became only more determined to conquer them. Below are a few samples:

1. “Yoga for Jocks”

What the class description says: “This class is for the jock in every guy and girl. It focuses on stretches based on the practice of yoga to enhance performance of specific sports.”

What it actually sounds like: A fun class; would love to try “Yoga For Twinks” or “Yoga For Bears” in the future.

2. “Pain & Pleasure”

James Deen / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “No pain, no gain, that’s the buzz about this 60-minute weight training class designed to add lean muscle mass to your body.”

What it actually sounds like: A very friendly and considerate 50 Shades of Grey role-play community.

3. “Lift & Tuck”

NBC / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Learn how the glutes and core musculature work together to strengthen and shape you waistline.”

What it actually sounds like: A very expensive shortcut to avoid going to the gym.

4. “Blood, Sweat’n Tears”

Fox

Fox

 

What the class description says: “High repetition/explosive exercises and intense cardio movements will be integrated with boxing drills. This class will challenge your body and push you to your limits—or tears!”

What it actually sounds like: High school P.E. class.

5. “Pressure Cooker”

What the class description says: “Utilizes a series of foundation building compound movements such as squats, deadlifts, overhead presses, and rows that will work multiple muscle groups at one time while increasing your EPOC.”

What it actually sounds like: Something I use to cook rice.

6. “Lean & Mean”

Vampire Weekend / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Work your entire body in every way possible with weight lifting intervals mixed with rhythm cardio that anybody can do.”

What it actually sounds like: The guys hogging the free weights wearing thin scraps of fabric masquerading as tank tops.

7. “ASSolutely ABBulous”

BBC

BBC

 

What the class description says: “Effective movements target the quads, glutes and hammies plus the best ab training exercises to reorganize the junk in your trunk and create a sexy six-pack.”

What it actually sounds like: An Absolutely Fabulous episode where Edina and Patsy go to a club with go-go boys on the bar.

8. “Junk”

SNL / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “You’ll be challenged with innovative, targeted lower body exercises designed to increase muscle definition and strength. Your ass and legs will be in perfect shape to wow the crowd as you stroll the beach.”

What it actually sounds like: The front kind of junk.

9. “Guns”

Universal Pictures / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Biceps and triceps, that’s it! Get the arms you want in 45 minutes.”

What it actually sounds like: Uhhhh, guns?

10. “Muscle Playground”

What the class description says: “Learn the form and function of lifting. Creative, technical, challenging and eye opening workouts for the adventurous of all experience levels.”

What it actually sounds like: A dystopian fitness-obstacle course littered with the dismembered limbs of those who failed in the Third Great War.

11. “Rapid Fire”

TriStar Pictures / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Blood pumping, muscle thrashing, oxygen depleting Tabata-style training to increase cardio output and muscular workload.”

What it actually sounds like: A cardio class where you have to outrun a California wildfire.

12. “Rope Burn”

What the class description says: “Light and heavy rope jumping drills combined to give you an INTENSE cardio workout. No jump rope experience is required.”

What it actually sounds like: An aggressive case of Thigh Rub waiting to happen.

13. “Fusion Sculpt”

Toei Animation

Toei Animation

 

What the class description says: “Blending traditional sculpt with medicine ball training and balance, this class will challenge you to get to the next level with your fitness goals.”

What it actually sounds like: A Yu-Gi-Oh! card that combines your monsters to create a new one in lieu of “Polymerization.”

14. “Fire Yoga”

Nickelodeon / Via polarbeardog.tumblr.com

What the class description says: “Sweat and release dormant toxins through deep breathing, powerful Asanas and mental focus. You’ll transform by balancing energies and exploring your sensuality and power.”

What it actually sounds like: Firebending.

15. “Liquid Yoga”

Nickelodeon / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Be prepared to work and move with this
fast-paced, dynamic vinyasa yoga class designed to make you sweat!”

What it actually sounds like: Waterbending.

16. “MELT”

20th Century Fox / Via its-a-potato-universe.tumblr.com

What the class description says: “Burn baby, burn! This workout is designed to help you burn away the fat by keeping your muscles working non-stop.”

What it actually sounds like: An advanced form of Waterbending.

17. “Fight Club”

20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

What the class description says: “Cross-train like a boxer by combining aerobic boxing drills with strength movements to increase muscular endurance.”

What it actually sounds like: Well, Fight Club.

18. “Six-Pack Attack!”

What the class description says: “Calisthenics, core training and traditional abdominal exercises combined in a 30-minute format designed to strengthen the entire core with a focus on the abdominal and lower back muscles.”

What it actually sounds like: My Grindr homescreen.

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