1. “There are 5-year-olds that can swim, why can’t you swim?”
I guess it’s because I’m not a 5-year-old.
2. “You gotta watch this YouTube video of this swimming baby!”
I’m pretty sure YouTube wasn’t meant for this type of abuse.
3. “Are you ashamed of your body?”
Okay, that was uncalled for…
4. “Swimming is a survival skill.”
Then I guess that means I can’t even survive in the gene pool.
5. “As long as you relax, the water will support your weight.”
HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN THE WATER IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE?
6. “How can you not swim? I taught myself when I was 7.”
You’re 25 years old now. Why haven’t you won a gold medal for our country yet?
7. “It’s instinctive.”
If we act on all of our instincts, I would’ve slapped you by now.
8. “Are you afraid of taking baths too?”
Wow, all that chlorine from the pool has really done a number on your brain cells, hasn’t it?
9. “I could teach you how to swim!”
I’ll let you teach me how to swim if you let me teach you how to mind your own business.
10. “All you gotta do is stretch your feet out, and stick your arms out in front of your head and just kick.”
Thanks for the tip, but I’m already familiar with how to panic in the water.
11. “If you don’t swim, what do you do at the beach?”
Literally anything that doesn’t involve the ocean.
12. “What if someone’s drowning in a pool and you’re the only one around?”
Dear God, please send Aquaman.
13. “It’s like learning how to ride a bike.”
You can’t just throw that expression around whenever someone doesn’t know how to do something.
14. “What would you do if your significant other is drowning?”
Chivalry isn’t dead after all!
15. “Do you just act like you can’t swim so that hot lifeguard on duty will save you when you’re ‘drowning’?”
It’s the only perk of being swimming-impaired!
16. “Swimming is one of the best forms of exercise.”
If that’s the case, why aren’t fish super buff?
17. “How have you gone without swimming your entire life?”
That’s exactly how I’m STILL living.