Sleepless In Austin: $1,500 Finders Fee If You Find This Man A Girlfriend

Do you long for long walks on the beach discussing Alex Jones and a mutual disgust for homosexuals? Ladies, I’ve found your man.

1. Ladies, Meet Larry.

2. The Basics


Larry Busby, a 39 year-old wedding photographer, is single and interested in finding the woman of his dreams. We will get to the semantics of that woman in a moment; however, if you are this woman, I would totally be willing to split the fee with you. Think about it: having dinner and calling everyone “sheeple”, mentioning Bohemian Grove on your first date and his eyes magically lighting up, or that special moment when you both say “FEMA camps” at the same time as your eyes meet.

I’m at half-mast just thinking about it. Let’s see the type of woman Larry is looking to bag.

3. The not-crazy part

“I am an Artist, Musician, Poet, Composer, Performer, Businessman, I am many things. I am very creative & artistic. I can be accurately described as being both a CEO & a Rockstar all at the same time, both of those perfectly existing in one person, Me. I am a very unique man. There is NOTHING typical, average, normal, or ordinary about me whatsoever!”

4. Departure from Reality’s Gate

“And when I think of East Austin, I think of areas like around 12th & Chicon, that just looks like poverty striken, ghetto people crime infested neighborhoods, full of the trashy people that have long criminal records and lack any proper education. There’s nothing good I can say about East Austin, in fact I think East Austin is a disgrace the the great city of Austin and I wish we could eliminate that whole segment of the population from our beautiful city. Hopefully, that area will be filled with condos or something so that that “type” of people will be priced out of Austin and no longer be able to afford to live within our city limits here.”

The quickest way to say this would have simply been, “I don’t like black people.”

5. Liftoff

“I believe that 99% of Fox News and mainstream Media is nothing but Lies, Lies and more Lies.I think that the majority of Americans, along with the rest of the world are brainwashed sheep that are asleep.I believe that 911 was a Inside Job, designed to instill more fear in Americans in which the government can use as a escuse [sic] to take away more of our rights and freedoms and push more of their terrible agenda upon us.”

6. “This is your Captain Speaking…”

“There’s a man here in Austin, Texas by the name of Alex Jones who has a show on KLBJ radio, he’s been talking about things like this for about 20 years or longer. He has a website http://www.prisonplanet.com and he’s also released about 17 video documentaries on this subject and everything he says or writes is backed up by documented fact.”

7. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve turned off the fasten seat belt sign…”

“Abortion is murder. I do not believe a woman should have the choice or freedom to kill her baby just because she was a slutty whore and dosen’t [sic] want to accept responsibility and raise the baby herself or give it to someone else who will.”

8. “…you may now move about the cabin freely…”

“I also do not support homosexuality. I think it’s disgusting, and morally wrong. I think it’s the trait of a defective human being. I am old fashioned. I am conservative. I believe men should be men, and women should be women. God made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve.

Furthermore, I do not believe homosexuals should be allowed to teach in schools or hold any type of job in which they have any type of interactions with children in which they could leave a false impression that homosexuality is ok on their young minds.”

9. For the Ladies


Now that we’ve established what sort of person Larry is — let’s see what sort of lady Larry longs to like.

10. Fatties need not apply.

“I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred [sic] overweight, they should be fine. Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.”

11. No black people, please (or nearsighted people).

“I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl. However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.”

12. No Prison Tattoos

“I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily [sic] be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone [sic] that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash.”

13. Don’t dress like a slut — but a mini and boots are A-OK.

“I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!”

14. Baby-loose vayjays need not apply.

“I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans [sic] body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.”

15. But I’m totally not racist.

“I am not a Racist person. In fact I tend to get along much better with Black guys than I do White guys. However, I do not like Rap or Hip Hop music. I do not even consider that to be real music. And I do not like Black people that listen to that kind of music. I do not like Black people that have a criminal record or smoke pot or do any other type of drugs. I do not like Black people that live in the “projects” or live off welfare or food stamps. I do not like Black people that do not have a full time job. I do not like Black people that wear their pants halfway down to their knees. And I do not like Black people that don’t speak proper English and pronounce their words correctly. I do not like Black people that dress like thugs or gangstas. I do not like uneducated Black People. And if you are a Black person that lives in East Austin or up North Austin around the Rundberg area then chances are I probably don’t like you either! So there! haha!!!!!”

16. Please again remember my lack of racism, thanks.

“I am NOT racist. I just do NOT like ignorant, useless, TRASH. I also don’t like White people that do those same types of things! And, I do not believe that Whites & Blacks should mix races sexually and have kids together.I think it’s ok for Whites & Hispanics. But not Blacks.I would NEVER, EVER, EVER date a woman if I found out she had EVER been sexually active with a Black man. That would just be pure filth.

I do not like Homeless people, bums, drunks, or drug users either, or anyone that participates in any type of criminal activity.”

17. He also plays guitar in between ranting about blacks.

If this doesn’t get your sensible non-slut knickers in a knot then I don’t know what will.

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