The alleged Mean Girls musical is slowly but surely in the works, according to Tina Fey’s husband and the project’s composer Jeff Richmond. “It’s a long process—a year, two years, however long it might take,” he told Vulture last month. “We watch Smash, so we know how it works!” Fair point. So maybe we can help them pick up the pace by putting together our own Mean Girls: The Musical dream cast.
3. Cady Heron: Samantha Barks
Sam Barks killed it in Les Misérables. She nailed Eponine’s outcast-but-charming vibe and in this role she’ll get to do the same. Samantha definitely has the right look to transform from homely to vampy and the formidable voice to carry the show. And good god, listen to this belt. Perfect for when she declares her love for Aaron Samuels in the sure-to-become-every-high-schooler’s-audition-song song, “Grool.”
4. Regina George: Kate Shindle
Kate Shindle played the evil preppy girlfriend Vivienne in Legally Blonde: The Musical, so we know she can nail Regina’s venomous bite. Bonus: she was Miss America 1998. And she’s an AIDS activist who’s done work with the World Health Organization. And she sounds like this. Imagine the catfight belt-off in “The Burn Book Medley” between Kate and Sam. I die.
5. Gretchen Weiners: Lea Michele
I know, I know. Just think about it though. Lea Michele doing all the great lines: “You can’t sit with us!” “That’s just like, the rules of feminism!” The Hanukkah white gold hoops story. The “Brutus is just as cute as Caesar” speech. And, of course, Richmond already knows he wants to make “Fetch” into a song, and it’ll take someone abrasive and endearing with serious pipes to make it… well, fetch.
6. Karen Smith: Amanda Seyfried
SURPRISE. You didn’t think I’d do it, did you? Did you? You probably expected it, it’s fine, whatever. But still, no one can deliver Karen’s lines as well as the original Amanda Seyfried can. True, her voice wasn’t the strongest in Les Misérables, but she fared much better in Mamma Mia! with songs that didn’t designate her as caged-bird soprano. And all else fails, who says she can’t sing-talk all the way through her “ESPN Interludes”?
7. Aaron Samuels: Aaron Tveit
He was the dreamy revolutionary Enjolras in Les Misérables, but before that, Aaron Tveit had been a real Broadway heartthrob stealing scenes in Next to Normal and Catch Me If You Can. Listen to him here and imagine Aaron as Aaron singing the songs “October 3” and “Grool (Reprise).” If your pants didn’t melt right off at the first note, then you weren’t wearing pants to begin with. Also his hair looks sexy pushed back. Crucial.
8. Janis Ian: Anna Kendrick
Tony Award-nominee and Asia’s Sweetheart Anna Kendrick has already proven she can play sarcastic and disaffected in Pitch Perfect and Anna portraying Janis Ian will let her her comedy chops shine. Just as she crooned her way through “Cups/When I’m Gone,” I can totally see her doing a rendition of “At 17” by Janis Ian, who this Janis was named after. And the song was even featured in the movie! See, you learned something.
9. Damien: Skylar Astin
For Skylar Astin, first came Spring Awakening on Broadway and then a Neil Patrick Harris-directed production of RENT. Last year, Skylar played Anna’s love interest in Pitch Perfect, and now they’ll get to play gay-guy-straight-girl besties. They’ll have lots of witty banter and duet on the song “Operation: Crack (Gretchen Weiners).” While Skylar is more bro-next-door than too-gay-to-function, as long he sings Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” he’ll be just gay enough.
10. Mrs. Norbury: Laura Benanti
Laura Benanti is just the right mix of perfect and hot mess to play Mrs. Norbury. She’s a Broadway veteran, has won a Tony, been nominated for three more, and is currently on NBC’s Go On. She sounds like an angel and is funny as hell, judging from her Twitter and this interview where she talks about almost working at Hooters. And she’ll definitely get the hilarious and eventually heart-warming montage musical number, “How Many Of You Have Been Personally Victimized By Regina George?”
11. Principal Duvall: Norm Lewis
Between playing Javert in Les Mis to King Triton in The Little Mermaid, Norm Lewis consistently commands and demands attention. So it’ll be hilarious to see him play sweet if ineffectual Principal Duvall—Norm and Laura dancing together at prom would be so cute. And if he takes off his shirt after the sets off the fire alarm and douses the entire school, that’d be, you know, cool.
12. Mrs. George: Jane Krakowski
You can now see and hear Jane Krakowski going, “You girls keep me young ugh I love you so much,” and it will never leave your head. Ever. The 30 Rock alum is such a shoe-in for the role, I’d wager there’ll be a “Muffin Top” reference written into the script. Or hell, the entire damn song. And it helps that she won a Tony for swaddling herself in cloth midair and simulating an orgasm in Nine.
13. Glen Coco: Nick Adams
Since we’ve discovered Glen Coco’s attractiveness, he needs an equally hot stage counterpart and Broadway dancer Nick Adams fits the bill. He fiercely donned his drag gear for Priscilla Queen of the Desert, but before that, he was in A Chorus Line where his arms were so sculpted that co-star Mario Lopez demanded that Nick be banned from wearing tank tops, allegedly. Four for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco.